


The Christmas Bowl

by TheEvilInThisChild666



Series: No More Heroes 1.5 [2]
Category: No More Heroes (Video Games)
Genre: AU, Betrayal, Blood and Gore, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crossover, Dark Comedy, Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Insanity, Major Original Character(s), Marriage, Motorcycles, Nerdiness, Squick, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-03 08:14:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 31,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4093630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEvilInThisChild666/pseuds/TheEvilInThisChild666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Travis has to deal with the combined bullshit of fighting a new assassin and his annoying twin brother. Meanwhile, Henry has to deal with the gathered bullshit of a marriage on the rocks, a mysterious little girl, and his annoying twin brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Life is a Highway

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. Sorry if this fic seems...iffy, but it's my first one and I'm just trying to see how my writing comes off to other people. Please give me feedback so I know what I'm messing up on. Also! This fic ignores Desperate Struggle. I loved the game too, but this fic works in a different universe. I'm so sorry. I hope I don't bore you.

~Travis's POV~

No.

Fuck no.

There is no way I'm going to let this Ooh-la-la skank rope me into this again.

 Oh wait. Hi. I didn't see you there. Well, of course I didn't fucking see you because I'm the one narrating. Dumbass. But anyway, my name is Travis Touchdown and this is my story. Or rather, some shitty sequel to my last story which was really fucking awesome. You might of heard of me from the news. Yup. That's right. I'm the No More Hero. The top-ranked assassin. The Crownless King. The pride of Santa Destroy. And the jackass who just got caught in another snare by this she-bitch sitting across from me in a stretch limo.

Her name is Sylvia and she is fine as hell. She is also a manipulative, psychopathic, cold-blooded ballbreaker, but most importantly, she is fine as hell! But, her nice ass doesn't justify dragging me out of bed on a Tuesday afternoon to go for a drive in the middle of the fucking desert. I think she may want to rent my services again...or she may just wanna fuck me. No, no, that's impossible. Sylvia uses her body to get what she wants, she doesn't uses others for pleasure. I mean, if I had to guess, there's like a 30% chance tops that she wants to take ride on my Travis coas...

"Something on your mind, Monsieur Travis?"

Oh shit.

"Uh...no. No way, Sylvia! What would have given you that...hey, wait a second!"

I turned my entire body around to face her and give one of my pants-shittingly terrifying glowers. She wasn't looking at me, but I saw her steal a couple of glances in my direction with the mirror she was using to apply makeup. Which was good considering that at the angle she was using to see me, she couldn't notice my boner.

"What did the hell did you drag me out here for?! It is frigging blazing out today and you want to take a Sunday Drive?!"

"Au contraire, Travis. I did not take you out here just for fun. This is also for work, yes?"

I narrowed my eyes for a eyedscreen shot. "Work...so you do have a job for me?"

Sylvia puckered her lips at the mirror and grinned. "Oui! One super-special major job for the country's greatest killer!"

I sighed while looking down at Sylvia's smooth, bare legs. They smelled like vanilla and were as polished as marble. God, what I wouldn't give to get a scoop of that...sculpture?

"No rest for the wicked, I suppose? So, who am I frying?"

Sylvia reached up and pressed a button on the ceiling of the limo. Suddenly, this weird sun-blocker thing open and dropped a bunch of photos into my lap. I scrambled to pick them up while Sylvia started yapping.

"Ten assassins, Travis. Familiar, no? I need you to kill every single one of these bloodthirsty bastards and bitches."

I gathered all of the photos into a nice little pile in my hands. Like a deck of cards. "Mind telling me what for? You know, besides the obvious.."

Sylvia sighed and played with her hair while still looking in her tiny makeup mirror. "They are know as the Dead Man's Hand. They are a card-based group of assassins whose main goal is to take down the UAA."

"Bummer." I said, without really caring what happens to Sylvia's little clubhouse. There's only one thing on my mind right now, and that thing is wearing Satin panties under a white skirt...

"Oui, "bummer". Travis, your first target is a man by the name of Hasuo Yayashi. He was involved in an...incident a decade or so ago. The group took him in as a refugee and he began to make them robots as gratitude. He is a fan of yoga and excels at Artificial Intelligence."

I could barely hear a word she was saying because I was too busy trying not to laugh at the picture of the guy with his name sprawled on it. This? This is an assassin? This guy had a stupid flattop hairdo and a face that said, "I will never make it up of middle management." Without the Dead Man's Hand, I bet he would spend the rest of his days trapped in the cubicle and the high point of his life would have been getting stabbed by a pimp for trying to welch out on a paying a prostitute! Ha! What a loser!

"So what's in it for me?"

Sylvia finally stopped playing with her damn hair. "You?"

"Yes, me! What do I get for doing your dirty laundry?"

Sylvia flashed another perfect smile and answered me through her Polly Pocket mirror, "Travis, the UAA is very grateful for your services. They have thought of ways to repay you for your exploits, but none seemed to beat out monetary gain. So...how does five million dollars sound?"

"It's gonna take a lot more than five hundred dollars to...wait..." FIVE MILLION BIG BOYS?! HOLY SHIT!!! Think of all the stuff I could buy: The Limited Edition Mazinger-Z figure with the crafter's blood still on it, the NERV cellphone, those Vocaloid trading cards with holographic bikini pictures...

NO! Travis, no! Eyes on the prize.

"Sure, money's cool and all..." I said in a seductively low voice while leaning in closer to Sylvia (well, closer to her back anyway) "...but I was thinking of a more...physical reward..."

Sylvia sighed and pressed a button beneath her seat. A compartment opened underneath her with bottles inside surrounded by ice. I was disappointed to discover that they were water bottles and not lube.

"Travis, you look...hot. Want a drink?"

Yeah, but not from there.

"I'm just gonna cut the bullshit, Sylvia. If I kill all these Dead Man Hands for you or whatever, would you do me the honor of accepting an admission ticket to the Travisland amusement park?" I said this while gesturing to my body with my left hand, so that she doesn't get confused and think that I own an actual amusement park.

Sylvia swayed her head from side to side while making annoying humming noises. Then, she finally gasp out an almost-orgasmic sounding, "Maybe."

"Maybe?!" I justifiably shouted. "God, it's always a fucking maybe with you! Listen, I did and seen some serious shit the last time you roped me into your psycho killing scam! All I want is get fire my rocket at your moon! So whatddya say?"

Sylvia didn't have to say much because at that moment she SLAMMED (that's right, fucking SLAMMED) her makeup mirror hard and turned around to give me a look that would make Liam Neeson vomit his intestines out of his mouth. "You know, Travis..." she said while licking her lips with that fucking look still plastered on face, further confusing my already terrified boner, "...Maybe sex is not as important of a goal as you believe to be!"

The silence in the limo was deafening, which was why it was such a happy break that the limo decided to screech to a halt right there at that moment. It wasn't such a break that I got thrown to floor because of it. But when I looked up from the limo floor, I saw Sylvia smiling at me, that weird evil eye she was giving to me a couple of seconds ago gone. I was tempted to ask what the fuck was that all about, but then I was kicked out of the limo onto the scorching road.

"What the fuck?!" I screamed.

"Good luck with the Robot Yoga, Travis!" said Sylvia before she blew a kiss at me.

"We're still in the middle of nowhere! Where the fuck am I supposed to find him?!"

"There is an abandoned military base around here! Hasuo should be holed up in there!"

"AROUND here?! How am I supposed to find it?! What if I get hungry? What am I gonna drink..." I understandably griped on and on under Sylvia threw that same ice-cold water bottle at my head while I was ranting.

"Ciao!" she yelled while waving from the sunroof of the limo as it drove back in the direction we came from.

"HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET BACK?!" I screamed, but I was met with no reply. I sighed as I picked up the water bottle.

_Ain't this a bitch?_

I walked towards the blurry desert, already wishing I stolen a grope in the limo.

***

 "So...hot...can't go on...Crocodile...I'll kick your ass..."

I mindlessly mumbled to myself while I wandered through the desert with my jacket slung over my shoulder. My water bottle was already half-empty and was dangerously approaching lukewarm territory. After a few more futile steps, I fell to the ground and began to crawl. The sand burned the spaces between my fingers while I desperately tried to remain conscious. I eventually stopped and turned over to allow myself to be baked by the merciless sun. I managed to moan out "Jeane" as I felt the life slowly ebb from my body. I wasn't entirely sure if I was talking about my cat, or my beloved departed sister (Ugh. It still makes me sick to say that last part). It must have been the cat because I began to wonder who would fill her bowl when I died. I was thinking that maybe Bishop would feed her once he noticed I was gone when suddenly, a bright light flashed right into my shades. Rude!

I jumped up and shouted, "Hey! Can't you see I'm trying to die over here?!" only to see where the flash came from. It was the sunlight bounced off a surface, and that surface was a military base! I'm saved!

"Yahoo!" I shouted as I picked up my coat and now-hot water bottle and ran towards the former sanctuary of my target.

EIGHT OF HEARTS: HASUO YAYASHI

I ran up to the base only to stop when I saw what it look like .

"Geez. Did Escher design this place?" I said as looked this fucked-up spectacle of a compound. The entrance was curved out in a bunch of different loops, almost like it was designed like a kid drawing a turkey in kindergarten. And, besides the bikes and jeep parked on the side of the base, the place looked completely empty except for the compound. No soldiers, no planes, no tollbooths, noth---

WHIRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I stood correct as I leaped into the air to avoid something that zoomed at me from out of nowhere. When I came back to Earth, I got a good look at the poor bastard who attacked and saw that he...was a robot?

The automaton looked like a guy with long, hippie hair and wore a long cloak. Was I going to fight robot Jesus? The theological implications of this sparked my particularly witty observation.

"Whoa! You're a robot!"

"Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what need not be cured" said the robot while twirling its hands at a mach speed.

"Huh?" I replied as my jaw gaped from that insanely confusing statement. Of course, I didn't have time to stand there slack-jawed as several other Hippie-bots hovered over to his spot and began twirling their hands at the same speed.

"The yoga mat is a good place to turn when talk therapy and anti-depressants aren't enough." said the bots in unison while they hovered closer to me.

I sighed and activated my beam katana as I took a stance. "Look. I don't understand any of the shit you New Age-droids are spewing. All I know is that you're standing between me and my target. I think it's time for a factory recall..."

They finally dashed at me as I waited for the first move. A smirk found its way onto my mouth as I slice off the arm of the first one that reached me. The other two appeared shocked by this and watched as the first droid looked at its' hand confused. That moment of shock cost them as I leaped into the air and split the hippie-bot with the missing hand in half upon my descent. I slashed to the left and the right, decapitating the other two before they even had a chance to react. The other droids decided that was the moment to stop acting like RPG goons and finally dogpile me. Lot of good that did them as I cut them all to pieces with a tornado slash. With the robots neatly disassembled, I walked inside the base only to be greeted by indoor air-conditioning (aaaaahhhh......) and long, wide room full of hippie-bots. In the distance, I could see a guy praying before a statue. I guess that's robot boy...

"The yogi will tell you that feel and look as young as your spine is elastic." the droids said in deafening unison as they twirled their hand like drills again.

"Ugh! Shut up! I'm teach you guys a couple of new positions I came with myself..." I said as I shook my beam katana. "...I hope your body is ready."

The hippie-bots advanced on me and with my beam katana recharged, I began to play junkyard. I did a horizontal slash on the first three and gave some Sweet Chin Music to the one that tried to impale me from behind. When that robot's face was crushed in, I had to deal with a group of hippie-bots who shot bullet out of their fingertips. I deflect each shot with the katana and dashed over there to lop their heads off in one slash. It was at that moment that I noticed something: The droids were starting to approach me in a line. If I could just get through all of them at once, I could get to Dr. Wily back there and be done with this already! But how? As I was wondering, a hippie-bot was kind enough to answer that question for me by dashing in front of me and attempting to take a swipe at me with his drill hand. I sliced off the bottom...hovery...part it uses to move and jumped on it to skate down the line of New-Age automatons. After cutting down every single droid that met the wrong end of my mighty blade, I leapt off the board-droid (that was little more than just junk on the floor now) and landed down behind the praying yoga freak.

"Hey." I said. Hasuo continued to pray.

" _Hey_." I said. Hasuo continued to pray.

"FUCKING HEY!!!" I shouted. Hasuo continued to _fucking_ pray.

"Hey asshole! I came to take your fucking head! So you can at least not be a dick about it and turn around when I'm talking to you!"

The jackass sighed and clapped his hands while standing up. He looked more haggard than he did in his picture with sunken eyes, a wrinkled face, and a five-o-clock shadow. 

"The world is ending, Mr. Touchdown." he said as he as his and fell down to his sides.

"No shit?"

"When the world is ending, what do you think will happen?"

"Hmmm...I don't know. I don't think that far ahead. Gotta live in the moment, you know?"

Robot boy frowned and said, "You cannot just discount the lives of others! You have to take their sins into account! Do you want to know how to save the world, Mr. Touchdown?"

I sighed and digged out an annoying itch in my ear. "I don't know. Enlighten me, swami."

The guy proceeds to rise his arms to the air as if he was expecting a golden shower from the heavens or something. "You must take on the sins of other by performing dark deeds yourself. By focusing all that evil energy on yourself, you may save the souls of others from a worse fate. That...is true heroism."

I stared at this nutcase for a few good seconds before laughing my ass off. "Oh god...you are fucking priceless, ya know that? If that's true, then I should be the fucking messiah! Listen, I would love to sit here and listen to your ideas about this sin-eating Ragnarok you keep expecting to happen, but I've got a job to do, and that job is paint this floor with your guts. So are you gonna fight or what?"

Hasuo's frown became a smile as he said, "Your sins...will be forgiven, Touchdown." He then looked skyward like a fucking imbecile until a giant hand crashed down through the ceiling, grabbed him, and pulled him towards the sky.

"What the fuck?!" I shouted as I saw what the hand belonged to: A giant fucking mecha that had three arms on each side, a Buddha face and the body of a bodybuilding monk with a robe and beads and everything! On the other set of arms that did not contain the arm that was holding Hasuo was a giant staff.

"THIS IS YOUR ABSOLUTION TOUCHDOWN!!!!" said Hasuo as the giant Buddha mecha stuffed him in his mouth and swallowed him. The beads around its neck then began to glow and spin before they were shot at me.

"AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed in a manly tone as I ran from the exploding giant beads while they rained hellfire down on the base. I barely managed to leap out of the door before the final bead completely destroyed the military base. I fell down hard on the sand and turned on my back, dazed. Unfortunately, I saw the giant staff coming down on me. I rolled out of the way before it turned me into red bean paste. I got up and darted all over the place while dodged that damn staff of his until he eventually got sick of it.

"DO NOT RESIST SALVATION, TOUCHDOWN!!!" Hasuo shouted from inside the mecha before he threw a giant metal Buddha punch at me. I jumped back and let the fist sink into the ground. While the Buddha-mecha struggled to pull itself out of the surface, I ran up and jumped onto its arm and began my quickened ascent. The Buddha head turned to face me, open its mouth and breathed a wave motion laser onto its on arm to fry me, but I blocked the laser with my beam katana...although it did send sliding back down the arm a little. When the Buddha head laser was depleted, it began to fall backwards due to the combination of its yanking and its sudden loss of an arm. I increased my speed as I ran up the end of the detached arm then jumped across the widening gap between the rest of the arm and the abandoned one.

I stuck the landing, only to find gravity making me its bitch when the Buddha mecha began to crash on its back. I was flung into the air, but I managed to aim my body at one of the Buddha mecha's eyes. I crashed through it and landed in a room full of wiring. I saw an opening ahead of me, so I ran down it until I reached a part with a bunch of blinking buttons and metal sticks. When I looked at the floor, I saw Hasuo on his back fiddling with a bunch of controls while sweating like crazy. I kicked the chair he was originally sitting in and he looked straight up at me. He smiled at me and waved nervously.

"N-now Touchdown...think about consequences...will killing me truly bring you closer to Paradise?"

I chuckled as I raised my beam katana above his head.

"Oh, you best believe it brother...." 

I brought down the sword and lopped off his head. After that, I began to look for a way out of the mecha before the floor began to shake. All of the buttons and controls began to catch fire. This thing was about to blow!

I ran to the hole on the right while a swarm of explosions followed me. I managed to run out of the burned-off arm before the whole mech went bang, but it still sent me sliding painfully on the desert sand for a distance before a stopped at someone's white heeled shoe.

"Good work, Travis." said Sylvia as I stood up spiting sand.

"Sylvia! How the hell did you get here?!"

"Via helicopter, silly." she said as she gestured to a helicopter just a few feet away from us. I turned around and noticed her UAA goons beginning to clean up the mecha mess.

"I gotta get me one of those..." I said to myself while looking at that masterpiece being carted off.

"Something the matter, Travis?" asked Sylvia while leaning over in a flirty way. God, I need to bang her.

"You're damn right something's the matter. How the hell am I supposed to get out of this wasteland? I doubt even Bishop can drive my bike this far!"

Sylvia just sighed and pointed at something behind me. I turned around and saw one of the motorcycles that was on the side of the building all fixed up and ready to go. I turned back around and said, "...But what about the se..." only to see Sylvia taking off in her fucking helicopter. She waved as me as the thing took off into the clear blue sky. I turned back around and saw that all of the mecha parts were gone too. All that was left was the debris and motorcycle. I sighed as I walked over to the chopper and started it up.

"I can already tell this is going to be a long fucking week." I said as rode the bike over the dunes and back onto the road.

 


	2. Love Will Tear Us Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Henry fights some deranged Otakus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! New chapter! Amazing!

This is a fucking travesty.

Here I am, driving in a bloody Volkswagen, on my way to exterminate an infestation that plaguing my "beloved" wife's association. 

I hate these jobs. I hate them more than stains on a trenchcoat. I hate them more dogshite on a lawn. Most of all, I hate them more than my lying, scamming, psychopath of a wi...

**RING!!!**

My phone goes off and I already know who it is. I put it on speaker and let the ear-bumming begin.

"Hello dearest, how is everything?"

"Mi amour..." Sylvia lied. "...I am calling to tell you that I have dropped Travis off at his destination. He should be fighting Hasuo as we speak."

"Aw bloody hell..." I moaned. "Do you have to use him again? Please don't tell me you're actually going to let him sleep with you this time."

An unwelcome humming was heard from phone. "Who knows?"

I became embarrassingly agitated at her depraved fickleness. "For God's sake, Sylvia! Have some damn respect for yourself! Can't you come with a better way of negotiating than selling your body to a childish, ultraviolent lout with a Lolita Complex?!"

The venom in her voice sprayed from the speaker. "Maybe it's nice to feel desired from somebody every now and then, Cooldown!"

I sighed and began the Sisyphean task of trying to calm her down. "Now Sylvia, let's not get into this during work..."

"Oui, let's not. Your targets are three young men by the names of Yu, Wa, and Shock. Get rid of them and come home."

**BEEP!**

That went well. Now, I can spend the rest of my day pondering on whether or not my wife is going to let my twin brother plow her. I resisted the urge to place my hand on my face as I parked outside of the warehouse.

**YU, WA, AND SHOCK: THREE, FOUR AND FIVE OF HEARTS**

I walked in and was greeted by the sound of a whirling circular saw. I approached the source of the noise and discovered a sight that chilled me to the bone: the windows in this warehouse were completely dusted over. Also, there appeared to be a group of men gathered around someone strapped to a table. 

When I looked more closely, I noticed that the giant  saw was running but not moving right above the poor fellow on the table. What a ghastly sight. That's a horrible waste of power, that is. I stepped to get a better look, only to end up stepping on and breaking a discarded piece of glass. Typical. This, of course, alerted the Three Stooges to my presence.

"Behold, Wa, a challenger approaches!" said a particularly heavyset gentleman with a ponytail wearing a yellow shirt with a black exclamation mark on it. He wore extremely wrinkled jeans, black sneakers and also had the misfortune of having a severely acne-marked face.

"We're all right here, Yu. No need to shout." said the twig-thin man with a flat-top next to him as he pushed up his glasses with his finger. He was wearing a purple shirt with the word  **RAIN** printed on it in large black font. He was wearing black jeans with purple sneakers and had an annoyingly scruffy face.

"Noise aside, we need to get rid of this interloper!" said a man who couldn't have been more than 5'4 as he pointed at me. He had messy brown hair, a black shirt with a blazing fist that had words under it that read, "I'm All Fired Up Now!", blue jeans, black sneakers and...oh God...braces in his mouth.

"Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have been called here on grave matters..." I said as a tossed my trenchcoat aside. "My name is Henry Cooldown and I have been sent here to relive you of your burden of living."

The three traded glances with each other, then began to burst out in what can liberally be called laughter. What I heard was wheezing, snorting and coughing.

The big one named Yu stopped snorting long enough saying something, "Listen baka, you are 100 years too early to be messing with us. Do you really think that we got where we are by bending to the threat of every ronin in these parts?"

I tried to look over them to see who was on the table. "Is that what he was doing?" I said I gestured to the person under the saw.

Wa flashed a grin while pushing up his glasses. "He? You're either rude or blind, intruder- _kun_." He and the others nodded at the others as they stepped aside to let me see was in distress.

It was a girl.

A girl who couldn't have been older than 11 and was wearing a private school uniform.

...

These bastards are fucking sick.

"You bastards are fucking sick..." I said while activating my sword.

The short one (whose name I'm guessing is Shock) giggled and retorted, "Sick? No no, Cooldown-san. We just want to give this girl a chance at a better life. A life spent as our adored _little sister_..."

I heard enough. I ran at the three deviants and made a downward slash at Wa, only for my blade to be blocked by a katana. 

The person holding the blade was a girl not much older than the one strapped to the table, wearing only a sarashi as upper wear and using a kimono as pants.

"I will protect my onii-chan!" she said as she put more force on her blade. I broke the stalemate and slashed at her, but she backflipped out of the way of the attack and back to where the deviants were standing.

"Meet Onna-bugeisha, one of our favorite little sisters. 27, and highly trained in the art of the blade" said Yu.

The little sister looked shocked and began squirm around while her face turned an embarrassing shade of red. "Onii-chan, I told you not to give my real age out to people!"

"27?!" I said with incredulity. "What the bloody hell did you do to her?!"

Wa pushed his glasses up with his finger again (Christ, that was getting annoying) and explained, "You see Intruder-kun, we ran a couple of experiments on women of varying legal age. Most of them were willing, but after some...conditioning, all of them were happy to be our beloved little sisters."

"Women?" I said with barely restrained disgust. "There's more of them?"

Shock grinned and snapped his fingers, causing a great number of girls similar to Onna-bugeisha to descend onto the warehouse floor, only they were in different increasing degrading outfits.

One was dressed as a schoolgirl with a shirt tied up to reveal her navel, another was dressed up as a policewoman with a dangerously short skirt, another as a french maid, yet another as a naughty nurse and of course, where would this Amber Alert nightmare be without more than a few grown women with pre-teen girl appearances dressed up as Playboy bunnies?

" **WE WILL PROTECT OUR ONII-CHANS...** " they said in unison while I valiantly resisted the urge to vomit.

"My quarrel is not with you, ladies. Stand aside so that I may end this perverted farce."

My plea fell on deaf ears, as the Playboy Lolis (Ugh. It sickens me to even think that term) leapt into the ear and prepared a downward kick aimed at me.

"So be it. I'll just file this under "Mercy Killing" then..." I said as I took my stance.

I swung my blade at the descending vixens, cutting all but one of them in half at the waist. I ignored the blood falling into my hair as I sidestepped the last one, who fell to the floor with a yelp as she slipped on the blood. I put my sword overhead to finish her, only for my blade to blocked from behind by Onna-bugeisha. I grunted and kicked back at her, only for distraction to cost as when Onna-bugeshi fell back, I was whipped across the back by the bloody schoolgirl!

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!!!" she shouted as she prepared the whip again.

"Isn't that something a teacher should say?" I said as I caught the whip with my free hand and used it to swing at the Police Loli lining up a shot at me, smashing them both to bloody pulps. 

I turned my attention to the french maid behind me, who was smiling while holding a bucket.

"Oh dear, you've made a quite a mess. We'll have to clean this up now, won't we?" she said as threw the contents of the bucket at me. I dodged the oncoming fluids by leaping into the air, only discovering it was acid when I looked down at the quickly corroding ground. However, not even the air provided me refuge as she turn her feather-duster at me, which really so much a feather-duster as it was a feather-duster holder with spikes.

"You're quite the stubborn spot, aren't you?" she said as she fired the spikes in my direction. I cut them all out of the way before I descended on the Maid Loli with a downward slash. She kept her disturbing smile even as she slowly split in two. I was then suddenly stabbed by a projectile syringe that was fired from the direction of a very timid looking nurse girl.

"S-sorry! I didn't want to hurt you...but... **I HAVE TO PROTECT MY ONII-CHANS..."**

I growled as I snatched the syringe out and advance on the Nurse Loli, only for my right arm not to response to my movements. The brat must have poisoned me! I quickly adjusted my style to accommodate for my sudden loss of feeling in my right arm, only to get slashed in the back by Onna-bugeisha.

"Don't bully my sister!" she shouted as she continued her flurry of attacks. I could barely block them as it was, so of course out of the corner of my eye I saw the nurse produce a small blade to finish me with. She mumbled, "I'm sorry..." as she charged at me with the offending weapon. I kept up my blocking show for as long as I could until I finally dodged out of the way and let the nurse administer her tender, bladed care to Onna-bugeisha.

A look of horror appeared over the Loli Nurse's face as she stammered, "O-onna, I'm so s-sorry. I d-d-didn't mean to..."  
  


As much as it sickened me to do it, I didn't let her finish her apology as I ran them both through with my blade. The nurse held onto Onna-bugeisha in pain as I pulled the blade back out in haste. They both fell over in a pool of blood, with Onna-bugeisha holding onto the nurse in agony while reaching out to the three cunts who made me do this and tearfully begging, "Onii-chan..." before finally expiring.

I faced the bastards with an expression of pure wrath as I advanced on them with nothing but blood on my mind. Wa panicked and tried to run past me, but I spin-slashed him across the eyes, causing him to fall the ground sans top of head. Shock made noises that sounded like begging while he ran over to the crane that was operating the saw. I threw my sword at him and it pierced his head and the machine, causing sparks to fly out the back of his head. Yu screamed and ran in front of the table, grabbing a fallen sword.

"STOP!!! If you come any closer, I'll kill the girl!"

I smirked and gestured with the sword to the table. "What girl?"

Yu turned around in confusion and found his science experiment mysteriously missing. "Wha...where is she?!"

_That's what I would like to know..._ I thought as I slowly approached my cornered pig.

"D-don't..." he whined. "You...you can't do this. You can't kill me!"

"You're right, Yu. I can't kill you." I said as he smiled. I deactivated my beam sword and pressed it to his head as he stood there in confusion.

"Because... **you are already dead.** " I reactivated the sword and was then covered in Yu's blood and brain matter. I took a tissue out of my pocket and wiped the larger pieces off of my face. After discarding the tissue, I walked off and picked my trenchcoat.

_Disgusting. This whole day has been disgusting._ I am disgusted by those three deviants, I am disgusted by the unnecessary carnage, and I disgusted with myself for what I did to those women. 

"I need a 40-minute shower." I said as I put on my trenchcoat and walked to the door. Suddenly, I felt a tug on my trenchcoat. I turned with a startled expression, thinking one of those faux-lolis survived, only to discover the little girl who was strapped to the table. She brushed her stringy black hair out of her eyes and said, "I'm hungry."

I should have just called a cab for her. I should have just left her there. Anything would have been a better reaction than what I did next...

"Is ice-cream okay?"

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! And don't forget to comment!


	3. R.O.D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Travis is forced to take a trip to his local library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cool! New chapter! Also, despite the brevity, when Travis is on his motorcycle, you should listen to Gorgeous Blues for full effect.

~Travis's POV~

"Buh!"

I woke up drenched in sweat from what had to be the hottest dream of my life. Now, I won't disturb with the sordid details, but let's just say that little nocturnal adventure provided me with spank material for at least a month.

I stood up and stretched off of the toilet I fell asleep on. I flushed my bed away from bed and proceeded to wash my hands. After some typical morning management (light shower, dressed myself in my awesome "One-Eyed Willie shirt along with black jeans, deodorant,  and capped off with a weasel-wrestling session to Ojamajo Doremi) I went to the kitchen to fill Jeane's bowl. While I was watching her eat, I noticed that she was getting a lot pudgier than usual. Maybe I should put her on a diet...

My cat health concerns were cut short by the phone ringing. I walked over to pick it up and, as if the ringtone didn't tip me off to the identity, the caller ID said Sylvia. I sighed as I accepted the call and said, "Hey."

"GUH DAE, TRAVICE!!!"

I was freaked out by the demonic noises coming from the phone. I got it together and answered in the most pissed-off voice I could muster, "Listen here, asswipe. When I find out who you are and what you did to Sylvia, I'm gonna---"

"NON, NON!" said the demon on the phone before the voice returned to a more familiar tone. "It is me, Travis. Excuse moi, but I still had the mask on!"

"Oh, Sylvia," I said, relieved. "You're okay. Why the hell were you wearing a mask?" 

"Well, Mi spouse Cooldown left a bigger mess than we had anticipated. So we had to use a few strong chemicals to clean it all up!"

"Wait..." I said in shock. "...did you just say Cooldown? As in Henry Cooldown?"

"Oui!" said Sylvia in an annoying as fuck happy voice. I groaned and spat, "What the hell does he have to do with this?"

"That is the first thing I wanted to call you about, Travis! Henry will be assisting you in massacre of the Dead Man's Hand!"

I threw my hands up into the air in frustration...while also throwing my phone at the same time. I managed to catch it in time to deliver a clever rebuttal to Sylvia's declaration. "AW HELL NO!!!"

"Travis," said Sylvia in a stern voice over the phone. God, she pisses me off sometimes. "this is not just your problem. This a problem for the entire UAA. We want to be certain that the Dead Man's Hand are completely eradicated, and the only way to do that is to hire the best of the best. And the best in this case happens to be you...and my darling  _mari_ , Henry..."

...Did I say sometimes? I meant EVERY TIME WE SPEAK.

"Listen," I said through gritted teeth. "I didn't take this job to work with Mr. and Mrs. Smith, okay? You want me to off my fetal buddy? I'll think about it. But talking about working with that Guinness asshole..."

"Travis!" Sylvia shouted over the phone. "This is not up for discussion! You are working with Henry, and that's final!"

I clenched my fist and shook with my still-gritted teeth. It took all I had not to explode at this Eiffel bitch.  _Fine..._ I thought while calming down.  _I'll play nice. But if that number one wannabe gets in my way, I'll..._

"Good. Now, for the second order of business: Here's your next target." said Sylvia as I finally stopped shaking.

"...I'm listening."

"His name is Charles Hemingway, and he works at the Santa Destroy Public Library. You do still have the photo, don't you?"

"Uh..." I stalled as rummaged around the motel room looking for where I put the photos. I eventually found in the dresser under my wrestling mag. "Yeah, I got his photo."

Dude didn't look really impressive. He had kind of a girlish-boyish face and short, messy black hair. He also wore glasses. Hmph. What a dork.

"He is both the Jack of Hearts and record-keeper for the Dead Man's Hand. Get rid of him, and we will have access to their plans and future ambitions. Trust your force, Travis, and head for the Garden of Madness. Good Luck~!" said Sylvia before she closed out the call with a kissing noise. I hung up the phone, grabbed my beam katana, and headed out the door. 

I walked out the hotel parking lot to the block where I parked the Schpeltiger. I started it up and rode down the streets of Santa Destroy. I passed Pizza Batt and grinned a little as I remembered the carnage I used to wreak for that place. Next, I passed Beef Head and I had to slow down my ride so that could get in position to moon Bishop, who waved at me. He laughed, and I laughed, and then I had to dodge an oncoming car with my ass in the air.

I arrived at the library with my pants finally pulled up after some tricky riding and some very fucking rude drivers yelling at me the entire time. I parked somewhere on the sidewalk rather than waste time looking for a lot at this dump, then I went up the steps to check out a head...

"Oi! Wait a minute, lad!"

I turned to the side to see a brawny, red-haired and red bearded dude slumped on the steps. He was wearing a tuxedo top half with a red bowtie and a kilt on his lower half that the slump really didn't assist in acting as a dick-blocker. I raised my hand to obscure the view and said, "What do you want, flasher?"

"What I want, boyo..." said the Scottish Eye-Bleacher as he thankfully got up and walked over, allowing me to put my hand down. "...is a world where no man is tricked, no wee babe needs to suffer because of profit, and a world where generosity rules..."

I take back that "thankful" I said earlier, because now that he's up close, my nose had to experience the tenth level of hell that was this man's odor. Seriously, he smelled like a homeless guy ate a drunken man's shitting corpse, barfed it out, and then took a shit on it. I held my nose as I said, "Really..."

"Aye, really lad!" said the human landfill while beaming. "And I also be wanting two dollars for bus fare! What do you say?" he finished as he held out his hand.

I pondered on this dilemma as I tried not to pass out from this guy's aroma: should I really inflict this war crime on the senses on others? I was about to just leave, until I began to think that this guy resembled Randall a bit. If not in appearance, then in demeanor. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my wallet to fish for two bucks.

After giving the Aura of Shit his bus fare, he flashed another smile and said, "Many thanks, lad. May your journey bring you much bloodshed." He then ran down the stairs happily to go to the bus stop.

I was weirded out by his last comment.  _Wait..._ I thought.  _Why did he...?_

I shook off the thought when I remembered there was an order I had to get home in time to wait for, and I walked up the rest of the steps and through the library door.

**CHARLES HEMINGWAY: JACK OF HEARTS**

When I walked into the library, I couldn't help but notice how big it was. Bookshelves towered like buildings and the ceiling they scraped had a dome-like window to let the sunlight in. I looked to my left and saw an old lady in a muumuu stamping a bunch of papers. I walked up to her to see where the hell this nerd is.

"Hey," I said. "do you know where..."

"SHHH!!!" shushed the granny, causing me to sigh and as in a softer voice.

" _Hey, do you know where..."_

"SHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" shushed the granny again. I stood there quiet for a good, long minute. Then, I raised my finger and opened my mouth to talk again...

" **SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"** shushed the old fart like a vacuum, causing me to wonder who was really being loud here.

Well, I lost my temper at that little hypocrisy, causing me to slam both my hands on the counter she was stamping at and yell, "FUCK!!! LISTEN GRANNY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE HELL THIS CHARLES HEMINGWAY DUDE IS OR NOT?!?!?!"

The granny glared at me as she slammed the book that she was stamping shut. She coldly said, "Mr. Touchdown, you clearly are not familiar with library etiquette. The most important rule is:  **BE QUIET!!!"**

Her shout caused the birds outside to fly off...and also signaled a bunch of other fat grannies to crash through the windows and aerial flip off the bookcases down to the floor in front of me, making the ground quake a little.

"We will teach you how to behave in a library, Mr. Touchdown..." she said as she jumped over the counter with a single flip. "...even if we have to slit your fucking throat."

I smirked as I activated the Blood Berry and took a stance. "Okay. You're good at reading right? Then read my lips: DIE."

...Shut up, I couldn't think of any good book puns.

I was suddenly surrounded in a circle by the granny brigade. Three of them dashed at me wielding their handbags as flails. One swept at my leg with it, another jumped into the air to block my leap, and another cut off my one free side. I leapt anyway and took out flying granny with a horizontal slash. I descended on the sweeper with a downward slash, cutting her in half. I thrust the Blood Berry behind me to impale the other before she could even finish her swipe at me.

I grinned as the aerial granny's blood finished drenching on me.  _God it feels good to be cutting up_ people  _again. It's too bad they're a bunch of soon-to-be retirees..._  

I changed my mind after the main granny somehow sommersaulted me in the back while she was airborne. She landed on her feet a bit back where she came from, like she was a fucking yo-yo. This may be tougher than I thought...

I jumped up then immediately had to dodge a handbag that was stretched at me by a granny who appeared who puckered at me. I cringed, then jumped on a table to get some distance. Some grannies followed me, so I quickly shook up the Blood Berry and took three of them out with one slash. The others I simply hacked and slashed through, including one who tried to jump over my head. She laying in two pieces on the floor now.

The handbag granny kept tossing that elastic purse at me, and considering all the dents it made in the wall when I dodged it, I sure as hell wasn't gonna hit by it. I jumped to another table, only to barely avoid getting pulverized by the Kanoball granny, who seemed intent on turning me into blood tapioca pudding. As soon as she missed though, she bounced off a bookshelf in the back and came right for me again. I basically had to hop from table to table to dodge the Grannyball and the handbag of doom. When I reached the last table, I knew I had to think of something quick. As one granny prepared for one last fire and the other one stretched her handbag back as far as it could go, I shook my Blood Berry as hard as I could.  _Come...on..._ I muttered as the blade grew firmer and brighter.  _Come...on..._  

When the blade had reached it maximum potential, I quickly took a batter stance like I was in the leagues as the Grannyball blazed towards me and the Gum-Gum handbag was finally reaching me.

" **BATTER FUCKING UP!!!"** I shouted as I swung the Blood Berry at GrannyBall, sending her rolling back at the handbag which was sent flying back into the other granny's face. GrannyBall proceeded to crash into the other granny, sending both tumbling into the back of the library until they splatted into a wall.

I fell to my knees, spent, and gathered my breath for the real target. Who, at that moment, decided to enter the room through the backdoor that is next to the wall I"d just batted the grannies into.

"What's with all the noise?" he asked as he walked out. He turned to look at the wall and let out a soft, "Oh."

"Sorry that I gave your library an unwanted paint job," I said as I stood up. "but they started it."

"No, no. I know the geriatrics can be a bit...aggressive. But, they were acting on my orders, so I guess this mess is my fault." said Charles as he walked between the bookcases towards my table.

I jumped off the table to confront him. "Huh. So, you ready to feel something worse than a paper cut?" Again, bad with the book puns.

"Worse than a paper cut?" said Charles as he stretched his skinny body with his arms above his head. As he walked to the ceiling light, I could see that he was wearing a brown waistcoat with black pants. Lord, this guy was a dork. "Mr. TouchDown, I don't think you know how sharp a paper can be. Here, let me show you..."

He suddenly brought his arms down, which caused the books to fly off the shelves and hover in front of him.

"Uh..." I said, confused. "...are you gonna force me to read?"

The books flipped open and pages were torn neatly out of them. Charles then point his finger at me and the paper began to fly at me like at arrows!

"Whoa!" I shouted as I cut up as much projectile paper as I could. A few got past and cut the sides of my jacket and my pants. I dashed at the paper master before he made any paper bullets, but he waved his hand like a conductor and formed most of the paper into a giant fist that punched me onto the upper story. 

I got up, dazed, only to be attack by flying paper cranes. These fucking things were small and a lot harder to slash, so while I got some of them, more than enough proceeded to cut my hands, cheeks, and legs. While I was fighting off the avian division, I suddenly had to dodge Charles zooming out of nowhere on a pillar made of paper striking at me with a paper sword GOD I FUCKING HATE PAPER!!!

I tried to run the other way while sill being dive-bombed by those paper min-Furies, Charles fucking Hemingway slashes at my side, causing me to fall near a wall.

"You know Travis," said Charles as walked closer. "they say that in the time of darkest defeat, victory may be nearest. Sadly, that doesn't seem to apply to you in this situation."

I held my side as I stood up and grinned while the cranes kept cutting me. "Oh yeah? I think it does..." I took a stance while blocking out the pain and gathering energy.

"...Mr. Cooldown, what are you doing?" asked Charles. Oh, the delicious obliviousness...

"Strawberry..." I said as Charles waved his hand again and brought down a giant paper spike on me.

"... **ON THE SHORTCAKE!!!" I swung my sword in the blink of an eye, completely cutting and scorching the giant spike in two. I made a flurry of slashes around me, annihilating those fucking cranes. Charles stared at me in shock, which is normal when one man sees another man's hair glow yellow and sparks jump around him.**

**"I hope you can speed read..." I said as I took my stance. Ha! Zinged him!**

**Charles regained his composure as he dashed at me with a hurricane of slashes, but I released of tempest of slashes on his ass back, forcing him closer to the balcony. He jumped and land on a paper pillar and jumped on it with him, still giving him tit for tat in strikes. He clicked his tongue and began to make a staircase in midair that led u to the ceiling while we clashed laser to paper. Eventually, we were right underneath the ceiling window.**

**"Setting yourself up for quite a fall, ain't ya Charles?!" I mocked while laying strike after strike into Charles' annoyingly resilient paper sword.**

**Charles smirked and responded "** I could say the same to you..." **as he suddenly shoved his paper sword into my Blood Berry, causing it to fizz out. He then parried it out of my hand and onto the floor below.**

**As I stood there weaponless on top of a platform made of paper near the ceiling of a library, Charles waved his damn arms again and turned the staircase that got us up here into spikes aimed at my back.**

**"** Any last words, Mr. Touchdown?"  **said Charles with a smug-ass smile.**

**I responded with my _own_ smug-ass smile and said, "How about..." as I dashed behind Charles and wrapped my arms behind his waist.**

**"** Wait...what are you..."  **Charles stammered out.**

**"GERMAN..." I said as I leapt through the ceiling window with a struggling Charles into the sky.**

**"** OH MY GOD..."

**"...SUUUUUUUUUUUUUPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I flipped over in the sky and slammed Charles back into the library into the floor, causing an upward lightning bolt to flash into the sky in the shape of a tiger.**

I got up from under a pretty much dead Charles and tried to look for the Blood Berry. After digging through piles and piles of now loose, torn paper, I found it still clogged with Charles' fucking shitty-ass paper sword. I groaned and began to walk to the exit while pulling out of the paper until I heard a noise.

"Chi...a...ki..."

I turned around to see a barely breathing Charles trying to say something while flat on his extremely broken back. I rushed over and crouched over him, thinking he might spring attack me if I just leave.

"What? What did you say?" 

"Chi...aki...must...protect...Chiaki..." Charles said before suddenly retching up blood onto his waistcoat.

"Chiaki? Who the hell is that?"

"Travis...please...I beg of you...protect...her...save...Chiaki..." said Charles before finally falling limp. I put my hand over his eyes and closed them before walking out the library minus my original swagger.

As I stepped out of the library, a thousand whos swirled around in my head.  _Who was that guy earlier on the steps? Who's Chiaki? Who makes elastic handbags?_

As I played 20 questions in my head, I heard my phone ring. I pulled it out and answered it. "This better be good."

"Travis! Come to the Santa Destroy mall plaza immediately!" said a panicked Sylvia on the other line.

"Whoa! Calm down babe! What's got you so worried?"

"Just get here!" She said before hanging up. 

I began to wonder whether or not I should even go. I mean, Sylvia has been stringing me along for how long now? And let's not that scam she pulled on me with the UAA two years ago. Fuck it, I'm not going!

...

Maybe I should...

NO! N to the O! I'm not going and that's final!

...But maybe...

I sighed as I was quickly getting sick of arguing with myself.  _God,_ I silently prayed, _if you don't hate me too much already, I'm in a bit of a moral dilemma here. I mean, I go and I save Sylvia and get a shot at rescue sex. I don't go, and I don't get pulled into another fucking money trap of hers. Lord, please. I'm begging you. Give me a sign._

At that point, I saw a figure approaching in the distance. I looked closer, and I saw it was a girl, not much older than ten, stagger towards me in a slightly tattered Playboy Bunny outfit.

"Onii-chan..." she moaned. "Onii-chan...where are you...help me..." she added as she fell. I caught her in my arms, then looked to the sky as I raised a triumphant fist.

_Yes lord, I hear you. I will save Sylvia..._

...After I drop off the littlest Playboy Bunny here at the nearest E.R.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for surviving! And don't forget to comment!


	4. She's Lost Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A car drive, an ice-cream stop, and a boss fight!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late chapter. I've been having wi-fi troubles. I hope the arcade scene dilutes the non-existent pain a little.

~Henry's POV~

"You know...this is quite a long car ride to take completely in silence."

My subtle attempt at starting a conversation crashed and burned as I drove the two of us to Santa Destroy Plaza for frozen cow milk. For those of you who, for some odd reason, decided to skip the second chapter, I had rescued a elementary-school aged girl from a horde of deviant otakus. Now, while she hasn't exactly been ungrateful, that's only because she refuses to express a separate emotion from apathy. The car drive was as cold as the air conditioning, so I was forced to use a nuclear tactic...

I reached into the CD holder and pulled out a Manowar disk. I popped it inside the player and [played this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2zkPqg-75g) Her discomfort was palpable, and it got me the words I was looking for:

"Turn it off."

I resisted the urge to smirk as I answered, "What was that? I'm afraid I couldn't hear you, miss." as I slowly turned the knob up.

"Please turn this off."

"You're gonna to have to speak up, love." I said just loud enough to be audible over Eric's shouting. "I can hardly hear you for some reason."

"TURN THIS OFF NOW!!!" she screamed before grabbing her mouth in shock.

"I can sympathize with your fury..." I said at the same volume as before. "...but I do not enjoy silent car rides. So unless you want to talk, the music will remain at a moderate volume."

The glare she threw at could have killed an entire army, but I held my ground until she sighed and said, "Fine..."

"What was that? I'm sorry, the music is kind of..."

"FINE!!!" she shouted, and that was my signal to turn off the CD player. I continued to focus on the road as I asked her, "What's your name, if you don't mind my asking?"

"...Chiaki." she answered. She shifted a bit in her seat before she asked, "Why did you save me?"

"It was just a small act of charity." I answered. "I couldn't just leave you there now, could I? Besides, I have a daughter around your age. I would be pretty cross if something were to happen to her.

Chiaki curtly responded, "I didn't need you to save me."

I failed in an attempt to hold back a chuckle. "Don't tell me you have a deathwish, Miss Chiaki."

"You came in just when I was about to escape. Why were you there anyway?" she retorted.

I gathered myself and said "I was there on my own assignment. My goal just happened to intersect with yours. I should have figured that you weren't in any real danger with the lack of screaming and all. I just had my own job to do."

At that point, my phone decided to ring. "Excuse me for a moment." I said as I put it on speaker. "Hello Sylvia."

"Bonjour, mi amour. Jeane and I have decided to take a trip to the ice cream parlor at the Santa Destroy Plaza."

"That's lovely." I said. "I was just on my way there myself.

I heard laughter from the other end of the line. "My goodness, Henry..." said Sylvia in between giggles. "...don't tell me you have developed a sweet tooth!"

"Not really." I said while trying not to let my annoyance show through my voice. "I just picked up a little friend from the warehouse and I want to feed her before I decide what to do with her."

A dark aura seeped through the speaker. "So...you are picking up other girls now? Your own family does not please you enough?"

I gritted my teeth as I tried to rectify my mistake. "No, it's not like that. Come now, Sylvia..."

"We will probably make a few stops before appearing at the parlor. Show up whenever. Au revoir..." she said before I heard the most ominous click in the world.

I heard some giggling from Chiaki's side, but I did not check because I was too busy driving. Yes, many people like to talk when they're in cars, but I would just like to focus on getting to the destination, thank you very much.

***

We arrived at the plaza a half hour later. After navigating the ocean of sweaty, materialistic bodies, we managed to get to the parlor. We brought our dairy treats, and sat down at booth for four people. The silence was deafening, so I felt it was my responsibility to turn this awkward nightmare into a total hell.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that." I said while staring at my bowl of vanilla.

"It's fine. Not all marriages work out the way they're supposed to." said Chiaki in between bites of her rocky road.

I turned my gaze up towards her. "How do you know it is in trouble? What happened earlier could just be an isolated incident..."

"Yes..." said Chiaki while putting her spoon in the bowl. "...but you seemed rather resigned instead of surprised or agitated by her hanging up on you. And you're annoyed by her jokes than amused by them..."

"Very perceptive for a little warrior, aren't you?" I said in the most patronizing voice I could muster. "I guess that's you managed to trap those three societal rejects, eh?"

She just smirked at my last comment. I can feel myself growing impatient with this little viper already. Time for this farmer to cull the fold. "Where do you want me to drop you off?"

"Drop me off?" she said in mock confusion. "I thought you were kidnapping me." 

"Your humor is of the highest caliber and I do not know how you have not landed your own series yet." I retorted. "Now, where do you wish to part ways, Miss Chiaki?"

She thought for a few seconds before finally answering, "Scotland."

"Scotland?" I said in genuine confusion. "Is that some kind of joke?"

"No." she said with a furrowed brow. "Scotland just so happens to be where I'm originally from. Is there a problem with that?"

"No, no. It's just that...uh...your accent..." I tried to search for a non-racist way to finish that statement, but I came up blank. I gave up with a sigh and said, "I suppose I could get you a plane ticket..." before I was interrupted by an explosion at the arcade across from the parlor.

**N.E.X: TWO OF HEARTS**

I got out of the booth and said, "We should go." Chiaki nodded and followed me out of the parlor. I didn't know what was happening, but I wanted Chiaki out of the line of fire and I needed to find a place to call Sylvia and tell her the ice cream gathering was off. I reached for the phone in my pocket while walking away from the blow-out at the arcade, but my phone was sniped from my hand as soon as I put it to my ear. 

The swishing sound of the bullet infuriated me and I turned around to confront the sorry sod who did it. "The hell?!" I yelled at the approaching figure. 

She was wearing a black catsuit tighter than a leotard along with bizarre googles that had diamonds studded around them. She was holding the same sniper rifle that just cost me a bloody fortune. Her blonde pigtails swung obnoxiously from side to side as she answered, "N. E. X. That's the hell."

I positioned myself in front of Chiaki as I drew my Cross Saber. "Are you with the Dead Man's Hand?"

She struck a schoolgirl's pose as she leaned forward playfully and said, "Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. What's in it for me if I tell you the truth?"

I glowered and coldly replied, "A quicker death."

She gave an annoying giggle and said, "Oh, Mr. Cooldown. I think that you need take a hint from your surname and relax a little..." she said as she began to unzip the top of her catsuit in order to let her cleavage show. "Let me give you one hell of a good time..."

"Okay, stop, stop. This is all wrong." I said in an attempt to stop this insanity from evolving.

"What? What's wrong?" asked a confused N.E.X.

"First off, what is with the ambiguity? We all know you're with the Dead Man's Hand. We can see it from the bloody bold letters above this sentence.

"...Huh?" said the sadly oblivious N.E.X.

"Also, this entire fight is out of order. I'm supposed to look for you, then fight your mooks, then I fight you. I mean, you're hardly a mid-boss. You can't go all acting the maggot and stomping on the rules just because they don't suit you."

N.E.X. stared at me dumbfounded until she sighed and said, "I don't know what you're prattling on about sir, but I've got a job to do." She aimed her rifle at me as I dashed up to her.

"Pity..." I muttered as I slashed the rifle in half with the Saber. "...so do I..."

"Oooooooo..." she moaned as she pulled the zipper of her catsuit down to her navel. I stepped back and said, "What are you doing?" I turned around to make sure Chiaki wasn't seeing this indecent display, only for my eyes to be met by a look of panic.

"Mr. Cooldown!" she shouted, pointing at N.E.X. I turned around and was greeted with two mini-turret cannons where breasts should be on N.E.X.'s chest.

"...Oh dear." I said before dashing backward and grabbing Chiaki. N.E.X. struck a sultry pose with her hands behind her head and fired two lasers out of her...shooters. I was able to dodge the oncoming highbeams by jumping through a window into nearby clothing store, shielding Chiaki from the glass using my body. I got up and looked around for a good hiding spot for Chiaki and I eventually decided that a rack of clothes would be the best bet in this situation.

I put Chiaki in the nearest one and told her, "Stay here." When I went out to confront N.E.X., I was immediately shot at with a rocket that, upon looking at N.E.X., appeared to be shot from her knee. I barely managed to sidestep it as flew by me, only for it to turn around and fly at me again. "Damn! Heat-seeking!" I said as I jumped backwards into the air. I fired an energy ball from the Cross Saber to destroy it before it hit me, but the explosion sent me onto one of the stores' roof.

I got up in a daze and I was quickly followed by N.E.X. hopping onto the roof and tossing me a joyless smile. "You're quite the survivor, aren't you?"

"Of course." I answered. "I mean, you've barely used any weapons. Are tit cannons and knee rockets all you have?"

N.E.X. proceeded to give a manic grin and told me, "All I h-have?" she said while twitching give off small sparks. "I'll s-show you w-what I have have have have have have have have..." 

I stared in confusion while she continued to give off sparks and random twitches while repeating "Have." Eventually, she caught fire and started making a sound not unlike the noise a computer makes when it gets a blue screen while playing music. She finally exploded, and I decided to take my leave at that moment. Then, I turned around...

N.E.X had transformed into a glowing, silver...thing. Did you see Metropolis? No? Well...she resembled C-3PO with pigtails and breasts. Anyway, she used those same breasts to shoot much stronger lasers at me than before. I tried to block them with the Cross Saber, but the force knocked me off the roof. I managed to land on my feet, but I still got a nice dose of horror when I witnessed N.E.X. growing wings and hovering towards me. 

"You must be shitting me..." I said to myself before I shot a few energy balls at N.E.X. while backing away. She blasted them all away with her mammary blasters and started dive at me with her wings acting as a blade. I avoided each attack less and less successfully until I was my trenchcoat was ruined, my tie was shredded, and I had deep cuts across my chest and back. N.E.X. flew up into the sky and began to dive back down for one final attack. I gathered myself, took a deep breath, and took my stance. When N.E.X. drew near, I struck...

When she reached me, I impaled her with the Cross Saber, and threw her with it back into the air. I leapt up after her, then grabbed her and threw her into the ground, causing the pavement to shatter. I then landed on my Cross Saber, driving it further into her body and causing the pavement to crack further. I jumped off and took my Saber out of her increasingly twitchy body before walking off. As I absconded, I heard an explosion behind me.

When I walked towards the clothing store to find Chiaki, I saw a man in a suit with what looked like a control. I shouted, "Hey!" and chased after him when he ran further into the plaza. When he stopped in the center, I approached him slowly while my eyes focused on his clothing. I was shocked by how familiar it looked...

It was a UAA uniform.

"What the hell is this nonsense?!" I said as I walked towards the increasingly nervous man holding the control. "Answer me!"

The man swallowed what was no doubt a good deal of saliva in his mouth and told me, "I'm sorry, sir."

A gun was cocked and pointed at my head from behind. I turned around and saw another UAA member pointing a pistol at me. "You're coming with us."

I smirked and took a stance with the Saber. "I don't think so."

The UAA member smirked as well and snapped his fingers and a flood of armed UAA members flooded into the center. My smirk was soon replaced with a glare as I saw a few of them handling a struggling Sylvia. Another was holding Jeane's hand, and yet another was holding Chiaki's hands behind her back.

"I think you will..." said the main bastard with the gun at my head.

My shock was replaced with a glare and I stood there trying to stay calm and think of my next move. That was very difficult with all the screaming I heard in the distance.

"What is that?!" said the pistol-wielding cunt as he turned around. I couldn't help but wonder the same thing as I heard the screams get closer and the sound of a motorcycle roaring in the distance...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWIST!!! Thanks for reading, and don't forget to comment!


	5. Falling Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's how big Travis's schwartz is without his beam katana...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New week, new chapter! Yeah!

~Travis' POV~

I rode my Schpeltiger through piles and piles of goons in suits. I felt like I was a giant paint-roller decorating the plaza with a nice coat of cherry red. Ah, their screams were music to my ears.

"Ah, my leg!"

"Ah, my eye!"

"Ah, my spleen!"

When I reached my destination, I turn the Schpeltiger towards the wall and rode it to the center of the plaza. I ramped off it, smashing the head of the guy holding Sylvia, smashed into the guy pointing a gun at Henry, and skidded to a bloody stop a little further away. Like a boss.

"Well, well, well..." I said with a grin as I got off my ride. "...If it isn't the esteemed, honorable, cock-sucking Mister Sir Henry Motherfucker..."

Henry tossed me a glare and said, "Now Travis, there are children present."

"Huh?" I said before I noticed two little girls standing awkwardly next to Sylvia. "Oh. Sorry. Let me rephrase that. Well, well, well...if it isn't the esteemed, honorable, wee-wee-sucking Mister Sir Henry Motherfucker..."

Henry groaned before asking, "Why the bloody hell are you here anyway?"

I smiled before answering, "Sylvia called me."

"What?!" said Henry, before turning to look at Sylvia, who tossed a glare back at him.

"I called him before they managed to take me and Jeane."

What followed was a bunch of pointless arguing that I won't even go into here because it's so boring. The only interesting things I learned is that I had a niece named Jeane (...weird) and that Henry rescued a little girl name Chiaki from the Dead Man's Hand. Wait...

"Your name is Chiaki?" I asked.

"Yes...?"answered Chiaki in a suspicious tone.

"What do you have to with the Dead Man's Hand?!" I shouted while pointing a finger at Chiaki, Phoenix Wright-style.

Chiaki was clearly surprised by what I said, but Henry got pissed. "What  are you on about now, Travis?!"

I explained, "When I beat that Charles guy back in the library, his last words was him telling me to protect Chiaki! So Little Miss Damsel, what do you have to do with all of this?"

Chiaki was frozen, and things really didn't get better when Sylvia stomped over to her. "Chiaki..." she said while trying not to shout. "...is what Travis said true?"

"Sylvia, you need to calm down..." said Henry while walking towards Sylvia slowly.

" **I AM CALM!!!** " shouted Sylvia, calmly I suppose. "I just don't like the idea of my family being put at risk due to some withheld information..."

"There's a chance she's not withholding anything" said Henry. "Maybe the Dead Man's Hand is convinced that she serves a greater purpose..."

"Henry! Please!" shouted Sylvia. "Think about me and Jeane for once!"

"Trouble in paradise?" I couldn't help but comment. Henry and Sylvia turned to me and shouted, " **SHUT UP!!!** " Touchy.

Unlike the last argument, this one was funny and I could have watched it for days. Unfortunately, at that point a helicopter began to touch down on the roof of one of the stores. A bunch of guys in suits began pouring out of the helicopter, along with one all-too-familiar one...

"You gotta be shitting me..." I said as I watched Destroyman jump out of the helicopter and onto the ground in front of us. He walked in between me and Henry and turned to face Henry while clapping.

**NEW DESTROYMAN: TEN OF HEARTS**

"Congratulations Mister Cooldown!" he said before he stopped clapping. "You defeated the uber-powerful N.E.X.! She was really one of a kind, but I guess you put her in place, huh? Still, a lot of wasted potential there. I mean, who else can you find who has tit lasers like that?"

He turned to me and smiled, although I could notice that there was no joy in his face. When I got a good look at him, I noticed that half of his face was metallic for some reason...oh yeah, now I remember...

"Good to see you in one piece, John." I said with a smirk. 

Destroyman's face twitched as he responded with, "Your concerns are unnecessary, Travis. Appreciated, but unnecessary. You see, the Dead Man's Hand rebuilt me to be stronger, faster, and better than ever. They also gave me a new array of toys to play with, to make things more fair..."

"Fair?" I said while trying to hold in a laugh. "What the fuck would you know about fair?"

Destroyman flashed a grin before he tapped a few buttons on his gauntlet. "There..." he said. "...now I'm strong enough to throw down with the 'Down brothers."

Me and Henry groaned at that stupid pun before I activated my Blood Berry...or, _tried_ to anyway considering that it wouldn't start up. "Uh..." I said before turning away from Henry and Destroyman. "...Give me a minute..."

"By all means..." said Destroyman. "...take your time."

I shook the Blood Berry as hard as I could, to the point that I thought my wrist was going to bleed. But it didn't activate. Of course, I didn't get any help from the fucking peanut gallery...

"Have ya tried rubbing it, Travis?" said Henry in the smarmiest way possible.

"How the fuck is that supposed to help, Henry?!" I shouted back.

"Try spitting on it!" shouted Sylvia. Sick woman.

"There are fucking kids here for god's sake!" I lectured.

"Have you tried waiting a bit and trying again?" said an unfamiliar voice. I turned around and realized it was Jeane. All was silent in the plaza.

"Well..." said Henry before handling his own stupid sword. "...while Travis is...preparing himself, I'll be the one to end you, Destroyboy."

Destroyman grinned so wide I thought his face was gonna split and said, "Let's see what you got, shamrock..."

Henry slashed down with his sword and...nothing happened. He slashed down again. No sword. Again. No sword. Again. Sword? No.

"Maybe if you used a pill!" I jeered at Henry.

"Be quiet!" shouted Henry as he inspected his weapon.

Destroyman suddenly laughed and said, "I can't believe it is taking you guys this long to figure it out! My gauntlet disabled your weapons by emitting a small EMP!"

I made the best what the fuck face in my range of expressions and said, "That doesn't make any fucking sense!"

"It doesn't have to..." said Destroyman with a manic grin. "...now, the match can be fair...or, it would be, if I didn't do this!" 

Destroyman snapped his fingers as the men in black on the rooftops jumped down and took fighting stances. "They don't need guns to kill you. There's a quality in quantity you see."

I growled before I saying, "Alright Destroyman, it's time for you to..."

"Ya sick bastard..." interrupted Henry (again!). "...you threaten my family, mess with me blade, and now you think you can kill me? Well, the problem with that theory is that I don't need a blade to kill ya. I got my own bare hands ripe and ready..."

Destroyman smiled as Henry shouted to Sylvia, "Sylvia! Get Jeane out of here!"

Sylvia responded, "I'm taking Chiaki too!"

Henry looked shocked and said, "Sylvia, I can look after..."

"Do not get the wrong idea..." Sylvia interrupted with a glare. "...she knows about the Dead Man's Hand and has information that is too valuable to be destroyed by an overgrown manchild cosplayer."

Destroyman frowned as Henry nodded. Sylvia ran with Jeane and Chiaki out of the plaza, leaving me and Henry alone with the goons and their king jackass.

"Travis!" shouted Henry as he looked at me.

"What?!" I answered.

"You take care of the traitors while I take down Destroyman." 

I did a wild take and said, "What?! Listen Henry, I don't know if you know how this works, but I take care of the bosses. Didn't you say I was the protagonist the last time we met?"

Henry responded, "That was then, this is now. At most, you're the deuteragonist in this fic."

"Bullshit! My POV always come first and the story is clearly about me unraveling the conspiracy of UAA and the Dead Man's Hand!" I argued.

"No..." said Henry. "The fic is about me overcoming family dilemmas while combating the UAA and the Dead Man's Hand!" Henry bullshitted.

"Hey!" shouted Destroyman. "Uh, not to be rude, but do you two wanna continue destroying the fourth wall or do wanna get this over with? There's a sale I want to get to..."

Henry looked at me, then dashed towards Destroyman and began to...I don't even know how to describe what he was doing.

"Goddammit.." I said before all the goons rushed towards me. I ran towards and clotheslined five of them before performing a lariat takedown on the sixth one. A particularly big one ran up to me, so I bell clapped his ears, kicked him in the stomach, and gave him a stunner. After big mook was knocked out, I still had too many other mooks to get rid of. So, I punched out one, picked him up by his legs, and gave him a Giant Swing that knocked out everybody else. I let go of him when we were in front of a wall, adding a nice dash of punk red to my previous painting from earlier. 

I surveyed the carnage and grinned at a job well done. "Welp..." I said to no one in particular. "...better find Henry." I wandered out of the plaza and into the parking lot. When I got there, a bunch of police cars were gathered and cops were surrounding a bloodied tarp. I walked up to them and asked, "Hey, did you see some dorky Irishman in a trenchcoat wandering around here?"

The cop turned to me in shock, confusing the hell out of me. Another one walked up to me and asked, "Are you Travis Touchdown?"

"Yeah. Yeah I am." I answered.

He pulled out the Blood Berry and asked, "Is this your weapon?"

I smiled and reached for the handle while saying, "Hell yeah! I must of dropped it during the..."

**_CLICK_ **

A cuff was put on the wrist that was holding onto the Blood Berry. "Travis Touchdown..." said the cop. "You are under arrest for the murder of an officer."

" **WHAT?!?!?!"** I shouted as the police gathered around to restrain me. "But...but I couldn't even use the Blood Berry today!"

"Eyewitnesses saw a man wielding a beam sword with this description kill an officer, and you are the only person in the plaza, hell, in Santa Destroy who uses this damn thing!" said the cop before he leaned in to spit in my ear. "YOU MAKE ME SICK."

"No! No way!" I said while being shoved into the car. "I'm not the only person who can use it! Both me and Henry can..."

...

_Henry..._

" **HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**!" I screamed as the car drove off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Huh. Don't forget to comment!


	6. Shadowplay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Henry vs. New Destroyman...and morals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not-quite-interquel time! Enjoy!

~Henry's POV~

The screams grew louder as the source of the noise neared our location. Eventually, I could see that it was that bloody idiot Travis mowing down the traitors on his ridiculous motorcycle. He then, for some reason, decided to drive it right into a wall. The motorcycle spun off it and proceeded flip over all the way into the center plaza, crushing the memebers who were holding Jeane, Chiaki and Sylvia and scraping the ass holding a gun to my head across the pavement as it skidded to a stop. Travis got off the vehicle, worse for the wear, and flipped it back up.

"Well, well, well..." he said with an undeserved leer as he tried to lean against his bike without wincing too much. "...If it isn't the esteemed, honorable, cock-sucking Mister Sir Henry Motherfucker..."

I frowned and said, "Now Travis, there are children present."

"Huh?" he responded before staring at the two little ones who had somehow escaped his vision up to this moment like a slack-jawed idiot. "Oh. Sorry. Let me rephrase that. Well, well, well...if it isn't the esteemed, honorable  _wee-wee_ -sucking Mister Sir Henry Motherfucker..."

I groaned in exhaustion before asking. "Why the bloody hell are you here anyway?"

He gave a disgusting smile before answering, "Sylvia called me."

"What?!" I shouted in shock while turning to look at Sylvia, who glared back at me.

"I managed to call him before they took me and Jeane." said Sylvia. "He was the only one in the area who could assist us!"

"What can this lout do that I can't?!" I shouted back, angrier than I think I should have been.

"Be there, to begin with!" Sylvia snapped back.

"I am here!"

"But you couldn't help!"

"There was a gun to my head!"

"Exactly!"

"Ugh!" I put my head in my hands and groaned until I said, "Enough about this. What are we going to do with Chiaki?"

"Chiaki?" said Sylvia as she looked at Chiaki off to the side trying her best to reduce her presence. "Is this the girl from the warehouse?

"Yes." I answered.

"The one you rescued from the Dead Man's Hand?"

"Yes..." I continued to answer.

"Your name is Chiaki?" asked Travis as he looked at her.

"Yes...?" Chiaki answered in a nervous voice.

"What do you have to do with the Dead Man's Hand?!" shouted Travis while pointing his finger like a bloo...

...Okay, enough with this. You can read the last chapter if ya want to know what happened next. But, I want this story to move fast enough so that the reader doesn't break their computer by falling asleep on it. So let me skip to the DestroyMan battle.

Alright, let's see...

"Trouble in paradise?"

We're further than that.

**NEW DESTRO**

Further...

"Have ya tried rubbing it, Travis?"

Little further...

"...Shite."

Too far. 

"Hey! Uh, not to be rude, but do you two wanna continue destroying the fourth wall or do you wanna get this over with? There's a sale I want to get to..."

Here. We were here.

I looked back at Travis, then dashed at Destroyman, who grinned as he shouted,  **DESTROY BEAM!!!"** and shot a laser out of his gauntlet at me. I dodged it by leaning to the side and quickly grabbing his arm and holding it between  my thighs.

"Hey! What are you...LET GO OF ME!!!" he shouted as I attempted to slide his gauntlet off. I was confused by his sudden fear until I realized that by trying to slide off the gauntlet with my thighs, I was making him touch my willy. I decided that getting my Saber back was more important and I continued until I finally managed to get the gauntlet off his hand. I threw on the ground and stomped on it, causing sparks fly out of it and a familiar hum to return to my Saber.

"You...you... **YOU FUCKING PERVERT!!!** " screamed Destroyman as he thrust his pelvis back. " **DESTROY...BUSTER!!!"** He shot a massive laser out of a cannon on his pelvis with a thrust, and I was forced to leap out of the way. The cock-beam destroyed the pavement of the entrance to the plaza and shattered the windows of every store it fired past. I fell to the ground with a roll and got up only to find my Saber missing. I muttered something that sounded like a swear and began to search on the ground for it. Destoryman shot another bloody Destroy Beam at me while I ran towards the nearest beam weapon on the ground. I dodged it while jumping in air and grabbing it with a slide.

"Sorry about before. I...lost my head. But I'm willing to forgive...if you're willing to die..." said Destroyman before he ran towards me and leaped into the air. " **DESTROY POUND!!!"** he shouted as he brought his fist down on my location forcing me to roll out of the way. I got up only to be greeted with " **DESTROY STEAM!!!"** as he shot lasers at me with small cannons mounted on his shoulders. I blocked them with the reactivated...Blood Berry?

...Shite.

" **DESTROY SPARK!"** shouted Destroyman as he released a shower of electricity out of his palm and towards me. I dashed out of the way and slashed him across the back with Travis' flimsy blade. Sure enough, while the attack caused him some pain, it didn't finish him as he turned around with a glare and shouted, " **DESTROY CANNON!!!"**  shooting a ball of energy at me.

I dashed past it and slashed off that bloody arm of his to grant myself asylum from the constant barrage of "Destroy"s. As he screamed in a not-too-surprisingly girlish voice, I hacked off the rest of limbs as well, before finally posing the Blood Berry over his head.

"Destroy Jackass..." I said as I lopped off his still screaming head. I began to walk off to find my Cross Saber until I accosted by a boy in blue.

"Stop right there!" he said while pointing a gun with a star on it at me.

"Relax officer..." I calmly said. "...this is just a matter between two respectable gentlemen from opposing business organizations. The UAA will send another sizeable fund to your department for you to keep mum about this."

"That would be fine..." said the officer before his mouth twisted into a depraved leer. "...but you are no longer in charge of the UAA, are you Henry Cooldown? DESTROY..."

As his gun charged up, I slashed his arms off and impaled him with the Blood Berry before he could finish that dreadful sentence. I heard my phone rang and I answered after a sigh, "Yes?"

"Henry!" shouted Sylvia from the other line. "Chiaki is gone!"

"What?!" I shouted in shock again. "Where is she?!"

"She leapt out of the car while it was still moving. I stopped the car to get out and look for her, but she was _disparu_. When I got back to the car, Jeane was missing too!"

I tried to keep myself composed as I said, "Where are you?"

Sylvia answered, "I am on Road...you...stay away...stay back! Destroy wha---" before the call ended. I stood in shock before I heard sirens from a distance. I look back at the policeman's body with the katana sticking out of it. The uniform looks realistic, so I assume he was actually employed at a department. I'll be arrested if I stay here...but if I leave, well, due to some generous donations, there's only one person capable of wielding a beam weapon in the police records...

...I'm sorry, Travis.

I ran off in the opposite direction and paused on a pavement outside the plaza, only to get hit by a car that drove right into me. I was sent flying into a pole and I tried to get a good look at the car while trying to remain conscious. I noticed that the car was Sylvia's car, and the driver that stepped out was wearing a familiar ridiculous costume...

"Look both ways, Mr. Cooldown. Look both ways..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Don't forget to comment!


	7. Le Perv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to dance to the Jailhouse Rock...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! And new weapon! Taste the excitement! Taste the forced excitement!

~Travis' POV~

_Travis..._

_Oh Travis..._

_Oh Travis, don't stop!_

_Travis..._

_Sylvia breathed erotically in my ear while sitting in my lap. Her lips brushed erotically against my lobe as she pulled my face to look at hers. She looked me in the eye..._

_...Erotically._

_"Travis..." she moaned in ecstasy. "...explain to me all that is wrong with the Star Wars prequels."_

_I would love to tell Sylvia about all the ways I would eviscerate Jar-Jar Binks, but another matter caught my attention immediately._

_"No Travis..." said Holly as she awkwardly but still erotically positioned herself on my other leg. "...you must prepare our wedding/orgy plans..."_

_I would have responded to Holly's concerns, but a pair of hands softly grasped my face erotically from behind..._

_"Travis..." Dr. Naomi purred. "...do not forget about your check-up..."_

_Once again, my answer was interrupted by another beauty. My beautiful kouhai Mimmy flew up on one of her hover-packs to deliver me a plate of sushi._

_"Onii-chan!" said Mimmy in a non-erotic but so fucking kawaii voice. "Please eat all these delicious treats I made myself. Or, I could draw you a bath! Or...you could just have me instead..."_

_I smiled at the comment and at all this deserved attention I was getting. I quickly became drunk on their voices._

_"Travis..."_

_"Travis..."_

_"Travis..."_

_"Onii-chan..."_

**"...Travis."**

_The last voice surprised me...though not as much as the sudden searing pain up my ass. I screamed as I flew off the throne I was seated upon and fell down the marble steps and onto the unforgiving stone floor. I wrapped my arms back in a futile attempt to soothe my burning ass and turned around to see a blue, glowing Saber where I was originally sitting._

  _I turned back around to see that shit-smear Henry with the Cross Saber somehow back in his hands and with all my lovers swooning over him._

_"Hey there, Travis..." said the fuckhead with a smug look. "...what's the matter? Sit on something funny?"_

_"Henry..." I growled while trying to stand up. "...you mother..."_

_"Ah ah ah..." said Henry while wrapping his fucking shitty arms around Sylvia and Holly. "...ya wouldn't want to say anything that would upset these ladies, would ya?"_

_"Oh, Henry..." croaked Sylvia. "You're so much cooler than Travis..."_

_"You would make a much better husband, too..." betrayed Holly._

_"I bet your pecs are absolutely sublime..." Naomi cackled out._

_"Henry-sama, you're so sugoi!" Mimmy screeched._

_I turned my head down so the others wouldn't see my tears of shame. Henry still noticed and proceeded to say, "Oh Travis, don't look so glum. There's someone out there who wouldn't mind a war in the sheets with ya..."_

_I perked my head up and hopefully asked, "Really? Who?"_

_"ME, YA LITTLE PRICK!"_

_I turned around and was treated to the gruesome sight of Speed Buster wearing a string bikini. I could see her pubic hair brustling out of her lower wear, and her long, sagging breasts threatened to tear through her top._

_"No..." I begged. "NO!!!"_

_"Beggars can't be choosers, brother." said Henry while turning around with my women. "Now, have a lovely time. I know I will..."_

_He walked off with the babes clinging to him like a cat to a couch while Speed Buster dragged me back up the stairs to the throne, which has now become a bed._

_"How about you show me how hot your Blood Berry can really get, boy?" she said while throwing me on the bed and then throwing herself on me._

_At this point I could do nothing but scream. Scream for my lost loves. Scream for the head of Henry. And scream for the searing pain still in my ass._

***

I woke up on a dirty mattress that appeared to be the lower part of a bunk bed. I got up groggily and looked around. I was in a prison cell. It was small and the only things in it were a fucking sink and toilet 

 _That's right..._ I thought.  _After I escaped the police, I holed up in the Motel, I refilled Jeane's bowl, I did...something with the  Tsubaki Mk. II and fought the cops with the Blood Berry. After that...they must have..._

My thoughts were interrupting by the returning searing ass pain and a bad rumbling in my stomach. I lurched over to the toilet and sat down. What followed was the worse dump I had ever taken in my life. I felt like La Blue Girl during an anal tentacle scene. I could practically feel my small intestine trying to escape with whatever...IS... **FUCKING...LODGED IN THERE!!!**

The only thing that kept me from passing out was my sheer hatred for Henry and the thoughts of what I was going to do to him when I got out of here.

 _Henry..._ I thought as I strained.  _When I get out of here, I will find you and..._

**_FUCKING  
_ **

**_GET_ **

**_YOU!!!_ **

**PLUNK!!!**

Whatever was in me was out, and, after a few seconds of relieved sobbing, I got up to look at what caused me so much pain. I was shocked and fished it out of the bloody toilet water immediately.

It was the Tsubaki Mk II.

I must have shoved it up my storage hole before facing the cops. Holy shit, all that squatting training Thunder Ryu taught me paid off!

I heard footsteps approaching my cell. I decided to hide my Tsubaki under my covers until they went away, but unfortunately, those footsteps belonged to my cellmate, who stepped in and slammed the door behind him. He was big, burly with a beer stomach, and bald. Typical prison physique. He had tattoos on his arms that read, "Superman x My Fist 4ever" on the left one and "I Fucked (Batman Symbol)" on the right one.

"You Travis Touchdown?" he said with a sneer.

"So what if I am?" I spat back. I'll be fucked if I'm going to be a prison bitch on my first day here. Wait...I didn't mean it like that...

The big guy suddenly smiled revealing a mouth missing two front teeth. He exclaimed, "Damn, am I glad you're here! Wow! The Crownless King is standing right in front of me! I heard you took down thirty cops before they brought you in!"

I shrugged and said, "That sounds about right."

The big guy stuck out his hand and said, "My name's Christopher Bale!" 

I shook his hand while saying, "Nice to meet you, Christopher Bale. My name is...well, you know what my name is..."

Christopher laughed as he stopped shaking. "You're perfect...we need a guy like you for the upcoming operation..."

I raised a suspicious eyebrow. "What operation?"

He chuckled while opening the door and walking out. "Come with me..."

I followed but not before taking the Tsubaki and stuffing it into the back of jumpsuit pants. Christopher led me to a room across from ours that turned out to be the prison rec room. When i walked in, I noticed a bunch of surly-looking people who ranged from muscled to skinny glaring at me as soon as I walked in the room. One guy wearing a purple bandana said, "Who the fuck is that?!"

"I the fuck is Travis." I retorted. "Sorry to intrude on your little Out Of The Box playtime here..."

The purple bandana guy stepped forward and growled, but a guy with shoulder-length brown-hair and glasses stopped him.

"Roderick, please. Hi Travis, my name C. H. Luke. Christopher has told me so much about you. I hope you can be useful in our upcoming operation..."

"What operation?" I found myself saying again.

"Operation: Exodus." said C.H. before pulling out a whiteboard in the room with a map of the prison on it. "With this plan, we can all be out of here in a matter of weeks."

"Uh, no offense..." I said. "...but I don't have weeks. I have to kill a certain someone now."

"Huh?" said Roderick with a glare. "How do you plan on doing that without the plan, motherfucker?!"

I sighed and took the Tsubaki Mk. II out of the back of my pants and activated it. The prisoners stared in shock and awe. "I don't want be rude, so I figured that I should just leave through the front door without bothering too many people."

C.H. stammered out, "T-the f-f-front?"

"Yeah. The front." I said as I turned around to walk out of the rec room. "So you guys coming or not?"

The prisoners cheered as a response as they followed me out and into the long hall separating us from the doorway. A group of guards laughing and joking together noticed us and blew their whistles. Soon, fifty boys in blue stood in between me and freedom.

"There's too many of them!" whined Christopher.

"Yeah...too many targets." I said while positioning the Tsubaki in front of me like a cannon. As the guards rushed at us, the Tsubaki lit while I screamed.

**BLUEBERRY CHEESE BROWNIE!!!**

**A wave of energy sent the guards flying in different directions, some of them even reaching the upper floors.** The prisoners cheered again as I slowly walked down the rest of the hallway. Suddenly, a bunch of chains erupted from the ground and began to cocoon around me and the rest of the prison. Some of the prisoners were impaled by the chain-shell and the others began to panic as they saw their allies blood and entrails rain from above. 

A woman slowly shifted her way into the chains and gave me a fierce look...

**JOLYNE COSTELLO: QUEEN OF HEARTS**

I recognized her from the photos and took a step closer. "You're...Jolyne, right?"

She responded with no emotion and said, "I am the warden, and none of you are getting out of here alive..."

She wore a weird blue hoodie with a yellow accents that looked like it was made out of silk. Her shirt was black and had "For Life" written on in large white letters. She had long, white, dreadlocked hair that reached her green jeans. Her purple lips matched her purple shoes but clashed with blue teardrop tattooed under her eye. This woman was a fashion apocalypse is what I'm saying.

"Sorry to disappoint you...wait, I actually just don't care..." I said while taking a stance. "...but I got unfinished business on the outside and no Salvation Army reject is going to tell me otherwise!"

Jolyne frowned as she summoned chains that burst out of the ground and wrapped themselves around my legs. A pile of chains then wrapped themselves around her fist as she leapt into the air and punched down at me. I blocked the fist with the Tsubaki but was torn out of the chains and sent bowling back into the gather prisoners. Christopher and C.H. helped me back up as I retook my stance.

"You guys wait back here. I'll take care of her." I said.

"Thanks Travis." said C.H. "I mean, we would like to mix it up with our own lightsabers, but they checked that when we came in."

I nodded and ran at Jolyne. She summoned up wall after wall of chains out of the ground, but I cut through each one as I edged closer to her. That was a bad idea as she immediately pointing her finger at me and shot out a small chain with a spike at the end. If I didn't move my head, that chain would cut my eye instead of my cheek.

She leaped into the air and made a bunch of weird gestures with her hands. "You won't escape...none of us can..." Chains began to envelop my arms and legs. I struggled to keep my grip on the Tsubaki and gather energy while Jolyne formed a giant, snake-like spear in front of me. The chains wrapped tighter while I focused and Jolyne aimed the chain-spear at me. Finally, when it was finally launched at me, I broke out of chains and shouted:

**CRANBERRY CHOCOLATE SUNDAE!!!**

**The chain-spear froze in front of me as everything went black and white. I annihilated it with one swing from the Tsubaki and then focused my attention on Jolyne. I walked up to her with my Tsubaki poised for attack, but I was taken aback by what appeared to be a twitch. I was surprised, but I attributed it to paranoia and prepared to strike.**

**It was not paranoia.**

**A chain suddenly struck out from behind me and cut me in the side. I winced as I stepped aside only to be spin kicked in the face by Jolyne. I was knocked back and spat out, "How?!"**

**"Do not think that your juvenile tricks can work on the upper-tier, Travis..." said Jolyne. "I can still finish you off even with impaired movement."**

**"Is that so?" I said while crouching with my legs apart. "Aright then. Have at me."**

**"FOOL!!!" shouted Jolyne as she dashed at me with a group of spiked chains surrounding her. I patiently waited for her to get close enough as she made the chains come at me from all sides...**

**I impaled her at the last split-second as the chains fell limply to the ground.**

**She slumped to the ground as I took the Tsubaki out. She began to choke a familiar set of annoying words. "Chiaki...protect Chiaki..."**

**I sighed as I knelt down on one knee next to her. "Listen lady, some guy already fed me the Chiaki bullshit before. Don't expect me to protect some girl who's probably screwing me over along my asshole brother..."**

**"No..." she said while swallowing back blood. "Chiaki...she is just a tool to him...have to stop him from using her...before it's too late..."**

**"What?!" I said in shock. "Henry's using Chiaki?!"**

**"No...not...him..." choked out Jolyne. I never did get to find out who she was talking about before she was finally pulled to big house in the sky.**

I didn't have time to think about it more before the color returned and all of the chains fell limp to the floor. The prisoners crowded around as I got up.

"What the fuck are you sitting around for?!" shouted Roderick. "We gotta get out of here before more guards get called in, man!"

I nodded as I ran towards the exit. As we ran towards the door, I thought of a lot of things, like what the fuck is going on with this Chiaki person, whether or not Sylvia is okay, and which hole I should pull Henry's intestines out of. I decided that I would figure it out as I ran out the door. All I know now it that I'm homefr...

**WHACK!!!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Annnnnnndddddd don't forget to comment!


	8. Day of the Lords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hospitals, wife husbandry and no answers! Oh my!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! New fuck-ups! New Destroyman!

~Henry's POV~

I woke to an unfamiliar ceiling on a stiff bed in a white room. I sat up with great difficulty, aching with each muscle I forced to work for me. I looked at my clothes and noticed that I was still wearing the same outfit that was ran over in.  _So this isn't a real hospital..._ I thought to myself as I stood up. I heard footsteps approach my room and, in an act of subtle machismo, I hid under the bed like a little boy. The footsteps stopped in front of the door and voices began to present themselves.

"So the old boss is in here, huh?" said the first voice. I immediately inferred that they were UAA traitors.

"Yeah. Not so tough when you get hit by a minivan, eh?" said the second voice before laughing. No shite, Judas.

"So...should we put him in another kind of sleep?" asked the first voice before I heard a gun cock.

"Sure. Destroyman said that Mr. Cooldown should be easy pickings on account of the drugs. Let give him some tender, loving care..." cackled the second voice before the door opened.

Their eyesight must be worse than their loyalty because they were unable to see me hiding underneath the bed. They wandered around the small room like a couple of idiots until I lifted the bed from underneath and threw it on one of them. The other turned in shock only to be met with a fist to the face and a heel to a fallen body. I took the gun from the fallen agent and slowly crept out of my room. I looked at the empty hallway and saw odd drawings on the wall. There were arrows pointing down the hall. Against my better judgement, I followed them.

I was led by the arrows to a hallway that had an elevator at the end of it. Unfortunately, this hallway was not as empty as the last one and the traitors proceeded to rush at me. I shot both of the armed ones before throwing the gun at the side of a third one.

"My spleen!" he whined before I kneed him in the face. Another traitor ran up behind me so I flipped him to the ground. Others met my fists, feet and elbows before I was left standing in a sea of broken men. I exhaled and walked into the elevator. On the panel, there was an arrow pointing to B so I pressed that button while being disgusted at the thought of playing someone else's game. As the elevator descended, I wondered what happened to Sylvia, our darling Jeane, and where the bloody hell my Cross Saber was.

My thoughts were interrupted by the familiar ding and I quickly stepped through the opening doors. As soon as I was out, I looked around the basement and noticed someone struggling in the chair a yard across from me. I stepped forward and discovered it was Sylvia, gagged with duct tape and trying to loosen her bonds.

"Sylvia!" I shouted as I ran towards her, only to be greeted by...

" **DESTROY BUSTER!!!** " 

Another goddamned cock-laser tore between me and Sylvia, creating a hole in the wall and destroying a nurse's booth. A familiarly-dressed man sauntered out in front of me and nodded.

"Sup."

**NEW DESTROYMAN: NINE OF HEARTS**

"Destroyman!" I growled. "You're still alive, I see..."

"Well, one of me is..." chuckled Destroyman with no humor in his voice. "I believe I have you to thank for that."

"It looks like your ability to stay alive translates directly into your pharmaceutical skills..." I said while pacing back forth, trying to think of a plan. "Your drugs had no effect on me."

"Drugs?" said Destroyman before laughing his arse off, this time with a lot of humor in his voice. "Oh, heh, that. You see, your former employees were reluctant to go up against the guy who could fight Travis Touchdown to a standstill, so I fibbed a bit and told them I've been stuffing you full of Valium! Worked like a charm I see. I could hear the gunshots from down here. Music to my fucking ears. Here..." he said before tossing me the Cross Saber. "...you've earned this..."

I briefly glanced at Sylvia, who appears to have gotten some of the rope off of her, and looked back at Destroyman. "Where's Jeane?"

Destroyman leaned forward and gave me a shitty smile before asking, "Come again?"

 **"Where. Is**. **Jeane**?" I repeated, barely suppressing my fury.

He put up his hands in a fucking confused gestured and answered,"I'm afraid I don't know who you're yammering on about, man..."

I lost it and activated my Cross Saber as I dashed up to Destroyman to put the business end up to his throat. " **WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DAUGHTER?!"**

Destroyman looked perplexed or a few seconds before laughing. "Oh, I know who you're talking about..."

He snapped his fingers and suddenly a small figure leaped out of nowhere and kicked me in the chest, sending me stumbling back. I tossed a glare at it, only for my anger to turn to horror when I recognized who "it" was...

"...Jeane..." I could barely spit out before she struck a few poses and saluted.

"Destroygirl reporting for duty!" Jeane shouted before posing with Destroyman. She was wearing a smaller version of Destroyman's stupid costume, sans cape, and she lacked the buster cannon piece that adorned Destroyman's crotch. She also was wearing stilettos...good lord...

"Kids, gotta love them!" said Destroyman with an infuriating fucking leer. "So young, so impressionable, so easy to fit a mind control chip into...basically Henry, if you wanna fight me, you gotta take on your own pride and joy!"

I thought I was going to retch every single fluid in my body out of my mouth, but I choked it all down and actually  **BEGGED**  tothis bastard. "John, please, let her go...it's just me and Travis ya want..."

"Just you and Travis?" Destroyman sneered. "No Mr. Cooldown, I don't just want that. I want it all: fame, money, and my own little super heroine. And who knows...maybe when she's a little older, we can start a little super family of our own..." he said as he rubbed her hair.

Both Sylvia's and my face contorted as I screamed, " **DON'T YOU BLOODY TOUCH HER!!!"** and shot an energy ball at Destroyman. He took the hit square in the chest and was sent skidding back, but he just looked at me with a twisted smile.

"No need to worry,  _dad_..." he spat. "...I'll take real good care of your little angel..."

I didn't dash so much as sprint at Destroyman while readying my Saber. I was cut off by Jeane jumping in front of me and shouting, " **DESTROY SPARKLE!!!"** which released a bunch of, well, sparkles at me. I decided to play it safe and leapt into the air to dodge them, and I guessed correctly about their danger level because they proceeded to explode in the air like a group of miniature grenade. Unfortunately, I was hit with a " **DESTROY STEAM!!!"** and was sent crashing through the ceiling and landing through the ceiling again on the ground. Perhaps a wide passageway to the emergency room isn't the best place to have a battle.

" **DESTROY KICK!!!"** shouted Jeane as she drop-kicked at my downed body. I managed to roll out of the way before I had reverse somersault out of the way of a " **DESTROY POUND!!!"** from Destroyman. I dashed past them both and tried to line up a shot at Destroyman, but Jeane cut me off with a mid-air double kick before roundhousing me to the floor. Ya know, if it weren't for pressing circumstances, I would be so bloody proud of her.

Destroyman then prepared his hand and muttered, "Destroy Spark..." before pressing his hand on my chest and sending 100,000 volts of electricity through my body. Is that lethal? It felt pretty fucking lethal to me as I screamed like a garage-band of bleeding banshees. 

"You've done well, Destroygirl..." said the jackass as he stepped back to let Jeane over me. "Now... **FINISH HIM**."

"Jeane..." was all I managed to choke out before her gauntlet began to glow and she aimed her fist at me. " **DESTROY....** "

"Sorry bebe..." said Sylvia before she elbowed Jeane in the back of the head, knocking her out. 

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" screamed Destroyman before he put his fist back. " **DESTROY POUNDAGGGGAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**  he said as he tried to punch the ground only for Sylvia to grab my Cross Saber and cut off his arm, leaving sprawled on the ground cursing and sobbing like a wee babe.

" _Allons!"_ shouted Sylvia as she hunched Jeane over her shoulder and supported me up. "We have to get out of here!" 

I nodded as I began to walk with her as best as I could, considering my shock treatment earlier. But when I turned around, I saw Destroyman with a tear-streaked, snot-covered and bloodied face with a cape wrapped around his stump growling, " **DESTROY...BEAM!!!!"** as he aimed his remaining gauntlet at us and fired. 

I wrapped myself around a surprised Sylvia and took the blast, which sent all three of us flying into the chair Sylvia was sitting in before. Destroyman ran out through a door at the other end of the basement and screamed, "This isn't the last you've seen of me! You're dead! You're dead twice! Fuck!"

My consciousness began to fade as he left screaming and crying, and the last thing I heard as Sylvia tried to rouse me was the elevator dinging and footsteps approaching the three of us...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to---  
> WHACK!!!


	9. Unknown Pleasures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exposition! And foreseen twists! Nudity!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for words! No fighting this chapter unfortunately, but just a bunch of talking. So...tolerate?

~Henry's POV~

"Hey! Fuckhead!"

I woke with a throbbing pain in the back of my head and aches coursing through my body. I tried to move, only to find myself suspended by my arms against a metal-plated wall. When I looked around the grey, stone room, I saw two doors. One was on the side and appeared to be made out wood. The other was in front of me, and it was made of metal with steel bars at the head level.

Yo! Henry Shitdown! You awake?"

I turned my head to find out where all the unneeded noise was coming from, and discovered that Travis was suspended in a similar fashion next to me. He was wearing his usual shades and...nothing else. He was as naked as the day he was born and, upon inspecting my own person, so was I.

"I bet this is your fault..." he growled while shifting his wrists around. "...looks like you kidnap and frame to pay for Sylvia's shopping bills, huh?"

I sighed and said, "Yes,Travis. I kidnapped you and chained myself to the wall just to watch you suffer."

Travis surprisingly caught onto the sarcasm and shot back, "Well, you could have! This Jigsaw shit is right up your alley anyway..."

I was about to protest, but my response was interrupted by the sound of heavy, slow footsteps approaching our room. The metal door suddenly slammed open, and in waltzed a giant, heavyset, hairy man a gimp mask and a much too tight corset that his lower bulge threatened to tear through. The rattling of the chains and clacking of his stilettos made Travis and I nauseous as he rolled in a T.V. set. He went to the back of the room to plug it in the only outlet and at that point, I could see that he was wearing a black lace thong. I turned my head to spare myself the horror, but I could hear poor Travis swallowing his own vomit. 

Finally, and thankfully, our portly friend left the room after turning the telly on. The screen blinked on and revealed a livestream of the construction of an odd cannon. Suddenly, the camera turned to reveal a large, red-haired gentleman wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a Scottish kilt. He was standing next to a taciturn man wearing a black luchadore mask that had many green numbers plastered over it. His suit was white and had a black undershirt beneath it.

"Are we live?" said the red-haired man while stroking his beard. "Guid mornin, shitefaces!"

"YOU!!!" shouted Travis, causing me to flinch.

"Ya, me!" cheerfully responded the red-haired man. "Thank ye fer the fare, mate! Aye don't believe we've been properly introduced! Ma name is Loch Brady and aye am the Joker of Hearts!"

I was surprised by the last bit of information. "You weren't in our files..."

He guffawed before he answering, "Ya, I'm a bit of a secret weapon. And speaking of secret weapons..."

He clapped his hands twice before Chiaki walked in front of him. She turned to the camera with an emotionless expression as Loch put his hand on her shoulder. I could hardly contain my shock.

"Chiaki...!" I said.

"I knew it!" Travis needlessly added.

"Aye, our one of a kind beautiful King of Hearts!" said Loch before patting her on the head. "She helped design our masterpiece that ya saw at the beginning of the stream!"

"But..." I stammered. "The warehouse..."

"Aye, the warehouse!" answered Loch as he beamed. "We needed to keep an eye on ya Henry since we were going to be "inheriting" ya company and all, so Yu, Wa, and Shock donated their lives ta the cause by pretending ta kidnap Chiaki!"

I just looked down in shock while Loch continued, "Now, about the masterpiece..."

The camera turned back to the cannon being constructed while Loch narrated, "The Cataclysmic Blasting Terraformer! Otherwise know as the CBT! This here contraption can wipe entire cities off the map! With this machine, not a man alive will be able to face the might of the Dead Man's Hand!!!"

Travis and I remained silent for a minute before Travis finally spoke, "Cool story, bro. But what does all this CBT bullshit have to do with the UAA?"

"Ah..." said Loch before smiling. "...Henry ma boy, ya should tell your wife to take extra care of your finances. It was easy for Hijo here to hack into the UAA accounts and lessen each employees paychecks..." Loch pointed at the man in the luchadore mask before continuing, "...Now, usually most employees would complain about their lessening wages, but the task becomes a wee bit more daunting when your boss is the man who can battle the Crownless King and live to talk about it. So, the Dead Man's Hand offered them a deal: we pay them actual pounds (or dollars for you Yankees), and they keep an eye on ya and Sylvia."

I gritted my teeth at the convoluted but ultimately successful plan to take my wife's job and use it against her. I never truly knew what position she held in the UAA, but it was apparently high, and that is now being used against her.

"Where's Sylvia and Jeane?" I spat out. Loch chuckled before answering.

"Ah, those two? Not to worry. After we flooded the place with knockout gas, we place them gingerly back in ya damaged vehicle. Oh, after Chiaki insisted on removing the mind control chip from Jeane, of course..."

I looked at Chiaki, who stoically bowed before the camera before resuming her normal statue position. Loch continued, "Chiaki apologizes for Destroyman's...cuntish behavior. As a matter of fact, let's see 'im now..."

Destroyman waddled on the scene with a ugly grin. "Nice to see you, brothers! And, like Loch said, sorry for my vulgar behavior in the basement. I deserved to have my arm lopped off by your lovely wife. And as for your daughter..." Destroyman said before revealing a strange looking prosthetic arm. "This Musselback may have set the Dead Man's Hand back $5,000, but I promise you...the tender loving care I'll give Jeane when I see her next time will be  **PRICELESS**." Destroyman then laughed his head off like a braying jackass.

I shook against the chains suspending me while Travis cringed. Loch just put his face in his palms and asked, "Tell me John, how much do you think your body will set us back?"

Destroyman reduced his wild laughter to chuckles and responded, "Ah heh...what?"

Loch suddenly took his palms slammed them against the sides of Destroyman's head, causing a geyser of blood and brain matter to sprout into the air. Most of blood painted Loch's face, but some got into Chiaki's hair, who either didn't notice or didn't care. 

"$0. Ya body is worthless, mate..." growled Loch before wiping the blood off his face with his hand. He then became suddenly cheerful before saying, "I apologize for that. We did warn him but I guess no matter how many you make, no Destroyman can master the art of shutting their bloody mouths. Now, for the real reason we're showing you this broadcast: we would like to extend ya both a hand (heh) to the Dead Man"s Hand!"

"WHAT." said both Travis and I.

"It's quite simple really..." said Loch. "I mean, Travis, you are the toughest basterd in the States, and Henry, you were the hellhound of UAA. We figured that it's better to have a both as allies instead of enemies. So, whaddya say?"

"I say..." began Travis before spitting on the screen. "...fuck you, Highlander!"

"What he said..." I agreed.

"Pity..." sighed Loch before stretching. "And here we were hoping that ya membership would soften the blow before we reveal the CBT's first target..."

The screen then changed to a map of Santa Destroy. I just stared in shock while Travis gritted his teeth.

" **YOU BASTARD..."** he growled. Loch just laughed as the camera turned back to him, Chiaki, and Hijo.

"Well, my mum and dad were never on the best of terms...Oi! Well, I have to go clean Chiaki's hair, and you two are probably inspecting a ride, so I'll alert the UAA agents in the building to greet them! Cheerio then!" said Loch before the telly switched off.

We hung there in silence for a few minutes save for the clanking of Travis' chains, before he said, "Screw this..." and jumped down from his suddenly unlocked chains.

I looked on in shock and said, "How did you...?!"

"Please..." answered Travis while doing nude stretches on the floor. "...I unhooked myself while Nessie was still prattling on about CBTs and whatever. Besides, this isn't the first time I had to unhook myself from bondage..."

I decided not to investigate any further into that last sentence before I begged, "Please Travis, free me."

"Huh?" said Travis while standing up straight and turning to glare at me. "Henry Cooldown doesn't want to be locked up? B-but everyone likes being imprisoned! Why do you think I wasted time in jail? Oh yeah, because  **YOU FUCKING FRAMED ME!!!** "

I hung my head before answering, "Travis, there were extenuating circumstances..."

"Yeah, well..." interrupted Travis before he walked towards the door on the side. "...my extenuating circumstance is that I don't give a shit."

"Travis!" I said in a voice louder than I anticipated. "They targeted Sylvia and Jeane. I...need to protect them. I don't care what happens after that, but I need to keep them safe! So please...please..."

Travis paused in front of the door for a few seconds before he opened it and went inside. I hung my head again until he came back in, fully clothed and wielding his beam katana. He posed before me and struck...

...Cutting the chain suspending me from the ceiling and dropping me to the ground. He dropped my clothes next to me along with my deactivated Cross Saber and said, "Here. I'll take care of the agents. Meet me outside." He then walked out the metal door where I heard him say "Hola bitches!" before the familiar sound of limbs being hacked off and screams for one's spleen were heard. I got dressed, grabbed my Cross Saber and went out the open metal door. 

I walked through the tapestry of bodies Travis laid throughout the floor before descending the similarly decorated stairs and walking out the door. I saw sand coating the entirety of the outdoors except for the road that was just a few yards ahead of us. But what surprised me was what Travis was staring at: Sylvia standing outside with our van with the destroyed bumper and Travis' motorcycle next to each other.

"Bonjour, boys..." she said with a humorless smile. "We have work to do..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment...or eat. We all need to eat...


	10. Make Me Moo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonus! This takes place between chapters 8 and 9. Small exposition and slight development! What the people came to see!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, no violence this chapter either. Just a bit of blood and some fluff. I apologize for the wasted adrenaline.

~Chiaki's POV~

I stood at the edge of the helicopter door as it began to touch down on the hospital's rooftop. I jumped out when it was still twenty feet in the air and landed on my feet, causing the dust on the top of the hospital to swirl around me. 

I was never a patient person now that I think about it. And someone should really sweep this rooftop.

I walked through the door on the rooftop and was greeted by rows of UAA agents bowing before me. Please. Like I would ever acknowledge a group of traitors.

...

I am aware of the hypocrisy in that statement.

I walked into the elevator at the end of the hall and pressed the B button. As the elevator descended, I noticed that Mr. Harnet was nice enough to draw a small arrow point at the B button, presumably for Henry to see and obey. I scoffed at the sheer deviousness of John's trapping skills.

After a long elevator ride, I finally reached the basement floor. What greeted me when the doors opened was a scene from a custodian's hell: blood was smeared all over the floor and parts of the ceiling, there was blast holes in the walls, and the glass of the booth in the center of the room was completely shattered. Many UAA agents were in motion, cleaning up and filling in the holes on the walls. 

I noticed Hijo walking around with a clipboard taking notes. I tapped him on the arm to get his attention.

"Hijo, what are the details?" I asked.

Hijo just stared at me.

"I see..." I muttered, shocked at the lengths that John went through just to defeat Henry Cooldown. "And where is Mr. Harnet now?"

Hijo just stared at me.

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Just...get him one of those Musselbacks I heard about. You know, the one that was seen on the guy that decimated the Spades."

Hijo nodded and began to walk off.

"Hijo, wait!" I shouted a bit louder than I meant to shout. Hijo just turned around and looked at me calmly. "Where is Henry Cooldown and his family?"

Hijo pointed to the doors on the side that exited the hospital. I could see Henry being stripped and his clothes and Cross Saber being put into a bin. He was then put on a stretcher that was put on a helicopter.

I ordered, "Take him to the Cell. And make sure no harm comes to him or Touchdown when he wakes up."

Hijo nodded, and began to walk in the direction of the helicopter.

"Hijo!" I shouted, again, much too loudly. "What about his family?"

Without even turning around, Hijo pointed with his thumb to the back of him. I turned to see what he was pointing at and I saw the other doors leading to the entrance , where Slyvia's van was parked. She and Jeane were being stuffed inside the driver's seat and the passenger's side. I walked outside and dismissed the agents after they put them in and looked inside. I saw that they managed to remove John's chip from Jeane's head, but that they didn't bother to clean up her poorly stitched temple. I sighed and took out the handkerchief my handler gave me (the one with C.B. embroidered on it in shoddy cursive) and began to wipe the blood away.

Suddenly Jeane stirred, and slowly blinked her eyes at me. She stared me still wiping blood from her head until she finally asked, "What's your favorite animal?"

I was taken aback by the non sequitur. She must still be under the sedatives' effects. "I like cows."

Jeane smiled and said, "That's neat. Dad likes dragons and Mommy like penguins. I like tigers." 

I nodded as I put the bloodied handkerchief back in my school jacket.

"Maybe they fight so much because they like different animals..." she said while poking at her stitch with hand.

"I doubt that..." I said. "...and don't poke at that stitch. You'll loosen it."

She stopped and asked, "Are you the girl from the plaza?"

I blamed the drugs for how long it took for her to recognize me and answered, "Yes I am."

Jeane then brushed her hair out of her eyes and asked, "Are you daddy's other daughter?"

I blushed (unfortunately) and stammered out, "O-of course not! Why would you say that?!"

She smiled and added, "It's okay. I always wanted a sister. Though...I thought she'd be younger than I was..."

I was increasingly disturbed by my own flushedness, so I shook my head and said, "Jeane, I'm not a little girl. I am a weapon, and a weapon can only hurt others."

"That's not true!" shouted Jeane. "Mommy says that sais started out as gardening tools!"

I was godsmacked by the sheer inanity of that statement and was about to respond with something saner, but I noticed something troubling: Sylvia was no longer in the driver's seat. That's why I was hardly surprised when a gun was cocked at the back of my head.

"Get. Away. From my. Daughter." growled Sylvia as pressed the gun to my hair.

"Mommy, no!" shouted Jeane, who pulled me into the car.

"Jeane, get away from her!" shouted back Sylvia, who grabbed my leg.

"No, mommy! She's not a bad person! She likes cows!" screamed Jeane while pulling harder on me.

As sad as I was to have to mother-daughter tug-of-war come to an end, an UAA agent saw us and shouted "Hey!" causing a wave of UAA agents to join him outside the building.

Sylvia let go of my leg as she walked over to confront them. She dropped her enraged expression and smiled as she curtsied before them. " _Bonjour, employes_!" she said as she stood back up. "Is there a problem?"

"Step away from the King..." said the agent in front as he readied his gun at her.

"Oh my..." said Sylvia as she put a finger on her lips. "That will not do. Chiaki have much to discuss..."

"Alright, that's enough!" shouted the agent. "Get her!"

Sylvia suddenly quick drew and shot the agent in front before jumping into the crowd of agents and gleefully massacring them. After many bullets through eyes, snapped necks and mouths gagged with spleens, Sylvia was left standing in a lawn of bodies. Jeane laughed and cheered while Sylvia bowed. Unfortunately, one of our much larger employees (around 8 or 9 feet. Yes, I know...) appeared behind her and grasped her in a bear hug. He began to squeeze and squeeze while Sylvia squirmed and Jeane stared on in horror...

...Until his head popped off his shoulders and his arms let Sylvia go. The faucet of blood that erupted from his neck was plugged when his head came back down, only for arms to fall off his body along with his torso causing his head to fall on his open waist before falling over. Sylvia stared in shock before turning around and seeing me retract my Bloody Floss back up my sleeve.

"Miss Christel..." I said while blood dripped out of my sleeve. "...we have much to discuss..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and don't forget to comment! Who knows, maybe the bloodshed continues tomorrow...


	11. Till I Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trouble in Hero's Paradise...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...No. There is going to be even less bloodshed this chapter. Just some expo and some weird dramo. Sorry.

~Travis' POV~

I just stared slack-jawed at Sylvia standing outside a busted-up van that was right next to my Schpelttiger. She smiled in a weird, unhappy way before saying, "Bonjour, boys. We have work to do..."

...At least she brought my damn motorcycle this time.

"Sylvia..." said Henry before stepping closer. "Where's Jeane?"

"She's fine." Sylvia reassured before flipping her hair. "I couldn't leave her at our house because of safety reasons, so I put her somewhere where the UAA will never search for her: The Beef Head video store."

"Huh?!" I shouted, causing Sylvia and Henry to turn around and look at me as if I was doing the helicopter dick.

"Something the matter, Travis?" asked Sylvia. "After all, Bishop is a trusted associate of yours. Is there something I should know?"

I scoffed as I answered, "What? No. Don't worry, Bishop's great with kids. But uh...don't blame me if your kid comes back from that store a nerd..."

Henry gave a really satisfying glare at that statement, while Sylvia just rolled her eyes and continued. "Anyway, I was talking to Chiaki and..."

"Yeah, about Chiaki..." I understandably interrupted. "What's the deal with that girl anyway?"

"Trust me, Travis..." said Sylvia while running her hand through her hair. "...you do not want to know."

"Oh come on..." I complained. "...Now I have to know."

Sylvia tried to continue on with, "Some things are better left unknown..."

"Sylvia..." I chimed. "Come on. After the whole Jeane ordeal, and learning about you and Henry, do you think anything can really surprise me anymore?"

Sylvia was silent for a while before sighing and saying, "Alright. If you insist...here is Chiaki's story..."

***

"What...the...fuck..." I said, trying to keep my hands steady so that they wouldn't reach up to my ears and tear them off.

"Blimey..." said Henry while stumbling around like his eyes was torn out from his head.

Sylvia gave us both a sad smile and said, "I told you so. Now...let's discuss how we are going to take down the rest of the Dead Man's Hand..."

" **NO!!!** " I found myself screaming. Henry and Sylvia just looked at me in shock. After a few long seconds, Henry finally asked, "Travis, what did you just say?"

"I said no, Cooldown!" I screamed again. "I'm sick of this! I'm sick of all this bullshit you assholes keep roping me into! I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm finally fucking sick of killing! You bastards can get yourself another helping hand because I want out!" I stomped over to the Schpelttiger after I finished my rant.

Henry actually walked over and put his hand on my shoulder as I was about to get on my bike. "Travis...as much it twists my guts to say this, we can't do this without you."

I pulled my shoulder away from his hand and got on the Schpelttiger. "What do you need me for, Henry? You said it yourself: You're the most likely protagonist here. I'm just the Deuteragonist. Enjoy the rest of your fucked-up story. I'm getting out before it's too late Screw you guys, I'm going home."

I started up the bike and drove away from the sand and onto the road. I didn't even bother to look back as I immediately rode down the asphalt and headed back towards civilization.

I was riding for half an hour before I heard a deep voice say "Travis...". I thought it was the wind and just keep riding. Again, I heard the voice say "Travis..." in a slightly more annoyed tone. Again, I chalked it up to the wind and kept riding. Suddenly, a blue, ghost-like figure appeared in the middle of the road. It was Thunder Ryu, and he shouted " **GAIJIN!!!"**  causing me to skid to a stop in the middle of the road.

"Whoa, what the fuck?" I said while looking at the apparition before me. "Master?"

"Travis...I remember teaching a warrior. A warrior who fought for honor, for revenge, and for those he held dear to him..." said Thunder Ryu in a solemn voice.

I stammered while looking for a response. "I-I don't what to say..."

My master frowned as he added, "But! I was clearly mistaken as it appears that I trained a little bitch! That little bitch is you, Travis! You are the little bitch! Life is the seme and you are the uke!"

"Hey, come on!" I protested. "Are you complaining about what happened between me and the Addams family back there?! Look, I'm done with them! I'm not letting them screw me over again!"

Thunder Ryu's brows furrowed deeper as he said, "Travis. I am disappoint. You are letting your spite and wrath make you turn your back on what is most important to you. Was Sylvia truly just a set of leg to you?"

"Yes!" I answered without thinking. "No! I mean...I don't know..."

"And was Henry Cooldown truly just another obstacle for you to overcome?" he asked as he folded his arms.

I gritted my teeth before answering, "No..."

My master stayed the same size, but I still felt as if he towered over me as he admonished me. "You have let your selfishness cloud your feelings of love and brotherhood. Also, you are eschewing the ultimate challenge to your skills in favor running away with a tail fitted neatly inside your colon! You have lost your way, Travis! You must find it again even if can only be found by spilling so much of your blood that your body becomes dry!"

Thunder Ryu faded away with that last statement. I sat on the Schpelttiger for five minutes, thinking about all the people I killed to get where I am, what I killed them for, and what I'm killing for now. I thought about what Charles and Jolyne said before dying, and I began to realize something: they went up against odds stacked against them for the one they loved. I'm running away because of a grudge, blue balls, and one fucked-up origin story. I started up my bike and rode back where I came from, knowing what I had to do.

I rode up to the sand-covered ground outside of the building me and Henry was kept at, and I parked the Schlpelttiger while I began to speak. "Listen guys, I did some thinking while I was being yelled at by my ghost sensei and I just wanted to say...I'm sorry. Kind of. Listen, I know that we've all done horrible things to each other and some us owe the other of us a good deal of money, but that's not important right now. What is important right now is protecting your family and saving Chiaki from the pus-filled cesspool that her life turned out to be, whether she wants our help or not. Look...I know that I act cool most of the time, but...I'm actually kind of a loser. I live in a motel for fuck's sake! And this top assassin thing...ugh! It's brought me nothing but shit! You two...you're the only family I have outside of Bishop...and I...love you both. In different ways. So long story short, I'm sorry, and  **LET'S KICK SOME ASS!!!** "

I was disheartening by the lack of response until I realized I wasn't talking to anyone. I then saw the tracks the van left as it appeared to drive off in the opposite direction of the road I rode off on. I probably should have kept my eyes open or just looked up from the ground while I was making that speech.

"Goddammit..." I muttered as I rode off after them.

After riding as fast as the Schpelttiger could go, I finally caught up to the van. I pulled up to the side and tapped on the window. The window rolled down to reveal both of them staring at the road, avoiding eye contact with me.

"What the fuck?!" I shouted. "Why did you two leave?!"

"You were gone for fifteen minutes, Travis." said Henry, who was driving. "Did you honestly believe that we would just wait for you to come back after your little hissy fit?"

"Well, yeah but...wait, hissy fit?!" I shouted. "You guys scam me, frame me, then try to recruit me for some type of decimation plan and I'm in the wrong for spelling out why you're assholes?!"

Sylvia finally turned to look at me and asked, "Travis, why are you here?"

I growled loudly before I answered, "I'm here to say I'm sorry! I'm sorry and I love you guys and I want to help!"

The van screeched to a halt while I skidded to a stop after it. Henry turned to look at me along with Sylvia and said, "You what?"

"Don't me fucking repeat it, Cooldown."

"Ya know, we could just keep driving..."

"ALRIGHT!!! I'm sorry for pussing out, I love you guys for some weird fucking reason, and I want to help you guys defeat the Dead Man's Hand and save Chiaki!"

Sylvia and Henry exchanged looks, smiled, and looked back at me. "Alright Travis..." said Sylvia. "...Thank you. We're sorry as well and I'm certain Chiaki will appreciate your assistance."

"Wait, what?" I said in shock. "Is Chiaki on our side?"

"Yes, she defected from the greater decadence." answered Henry. "You would know that if you stayed around instead of retreating back into your tent, Achilles."

The van started up again. " _Allons,_ Travis..." said Sylvia. "...We still have much to discuss."

"Uh, yeah..." I said as I began to remember. "...I actually have to go back to the motel for something."

"Hmph!" said Sylvia as she took a piece of a paper out of the glovebox and wrote something on it before handing it to me. "Meet us here when you get it." 

I took the paper before they suddenly drove off in their busted-up van. I sighed as I put the note in my jacket pocket before I turned the bike around and rode off in the opposite direction...

...Until the Schpelttiger ran out of gas a few miles away.

...

...Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry. You don't have to comment. Just...live your life.


	12. Some Kind of Nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Travis meets the last obstacle between him and his new mission...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, enough talking and back to the bloodshed! I've got a big surprise for Suda51 fans below! Thank you and try to enjoy!

~Travis' POV~

After getting a lift from Bishop and a quick stop at the gas station and a quicker stop at the No More Heroes motel, I rode over to the spot that Sylvia and Henry told me about on the note. It was the Santa Destroy Park, a place that has been crime-free for two whole years. However, instead of seeing our favorite couple, I saw some old dude dressed in all black sitting on a bench. He had a chair with a weird gun attached to the top of it, so I'm assuming he's a cripple.

I walked up to him (since he was the only person in the park for some reason) and sat down on the bench. I tried to get straight down to business. "Did Sylvia and Henry send you?"

The old guy smiled and looked at me. "I came here of my own volition. However, a suggestion is the catalyst for my meeting with you."

"...Huh?" I said to the Yoda understudy that was sitting next to me.

"We share a common enemy, Mr. Touchdown. A man involved with the Dead Man's Hand is also working for my enemy. Ms. Christel and Mr. Cooldown suggested that they clean him in exchange for information on Mr. Brady's final plans."

"Oh." I said, wondering how the hell those two knew this guy. The old man reached inside his pocket and pulled out a photo. "This is him." he said as he handed it to me.

I saw an old man (though not as old as the one I'm sitting next to) wearing a cheesy white and black bodysuit, black gloves, and bearing a mustache and a goatee. I would be doing the modern world a favor by taking this eighties' reject off the Earth.

"His address is on the photo." said the old man. "Godspeed, Mr. Touchdown."

I turned to look at him but he was gone. Wheelchair and all. Damn, he's fast for a paraplegic. I stuffed the photo in my jacket pocket, went back to the Schpelttiger, and rode over the address.

I parked outside a high rise on the outskirts of Santa Destroy. I took the photo out, realized this was the place, and walked up to the front door. As soon as I opened it and went inside, I had to deal with the creepy fucking laughter that seemed to be coming out of the walls...

**CURTIS BLACKBURN: ONE OF HEARTS**

I walked around a bit, looking at all the expensive shit, tracing my finger on all the paintings and ignoring the demonic peanut gallery until I found the stairs. I began to walk up them until I saw somebody approaching me from the second landing. He was making that creepy-ass laugh I've been hearing since I walked in here!

Okay...when I looked more closely, it didn't look much like a guy at all. Or a human actually. It was orange all over and had a large mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth. Jeez, does Curtis have a guard Chupacabra?

I activated the Tsubaki Mk. III and started to walk up the stairs again...only for an alarm to go off and for Mr. Giggles buddies to start pouring out of every door in the house. Some even came after me on the ceiling!

"Fuck!" I shouted as I cut down each of the falling Beatrices as they launched themselves at me.The ones running and falling down the stairs were bisected and split in half in my hurry to finally shut off Hell's laugh track. Finally, I was left on the second landing of the staircase looking down on a bunch of twitching, giggling, mutilated bodies. I sneered as I turned around to continue up the stairs, but a hand suddenly caught my leg. I looked down and saw one those goddamn zombies bisected at the goddamn torso clutching at my goddamn leg still making that goddamn laugh!

I stabbed the Tsubaki right in its fucking skull causing its laughter to wind to dying cackles. Some of the other mutilated bastards stood up and ran at me while others crawled at me (the crawlers were faster than the runners for some reason). I kept slicing at them while they kept getting up and coming at me. More. More and more. More and more and more. More and more and more and more and they just. Keep. Fucking.  **LAUGHING!!!**

"Shut up..." I said while I descended the stairs to continue slashing the skinless clowns.

They just laughed.

"Shut up..." I said while taking scratches and bites from a bunch of cackling cadavers.

"I said... **SHUT UP!!!** " I completely lost my shit and began cutting everything in the room to pieces, whether it was moving or not. All I was focused on was making the noises stop, so when they did, I stopped. I looked around the decimated room filled with the crumbled bodies of the jokers along with torn furniture, broken vases, and scratched paintings. I decided to not dwell on my berserker moment any longer than I had to and I went up the stairs to end this day sooner than later.

I walked to the room at the end of the hall and walked in. I was immediately pissed when I saw an elevator to the left of the door, slapping my hand against my face as punishment. I looked at the room and saw a giant pool thingy in the middle of it. I stepped a little further into the room, only for the door to close behind me. 

"Shit!" I said as I turned around and saw the man of the hour himself, holding two pistols and wearing an ugly-ass smirk.

"Hello Travis..." said Curtis as he began to walk around me. "I've heard so much about you..."

"Wow, Mr. Blackburn..." I responded while beginning to pace to the other side of the room. "The photo doesn't do you justice. You actually look more like a jackass than your picture made you out to be. Trust me, that's no easy task."

Curtis' smirk disappeared when he said, "Now Travis, I know you're not here for a game of the dozens."

"Nope." I shot back as I stopped moving and pointed the Tsubaki at him. "I'm here for your head."

"Come on, Travis..." said Curtis while walking onto the water of the pool without falling through. Freaky. "...Do we really have to resort to violence so quickly? Why can't we just talk for a bit? I mean, we're really not so different when you think about it..."

"I beg to fucking differ..." I growled. "For starters, you're already a corpse while I will walk out of the clean up the mess you took part in creating."

"Oh, that's a grave insult to Chiaki if that's what you're insinuating..." moaned Curtis. "She was one of my finest works until she turned tail on the Dead Man's Hand..."

I turned my head down for a second to process that statement before looking at Curtis and saying, "So...you are Chiaki's..."

"In a matter of speaking, yes." interrupted Curtis while turning his head up at me. "And here I was hoping that she would turn out better than my other project..."

"You bastard..." I said while taking one step closer to the pool. "Hell is too good for you..."

"Ask yourself, Travis. How many have you killed to get here?" said Curtis while putting his pistols around his back. "And your brother's no saint either. That warehouse looked like something out of my wet dreams..."

"Enough talking!" I shouted while taking a stance. "I got shit to do and you got a place to go to. So get ready!"

Curtis chuckled while holding his arms out. A pigeon then flew from around the room and land on his right arm for some fucking reason. "Alright, Travis. Have it your way. I know about the Mk. III's reach, so let's play a game. Try to slash me before I shoot you when the bird flies..."

"...What." I said while Curtis stood as still as a statue. I didn't feel comfortable attacking a guy who was just standing still, so I took a position and waited. The bird flapped its wings but didn't fly. I didn't move a muscle. It did it couple more times like a avian asshole but I just waited. Finally, it flew and Blackburn pointed his gun at me and fired. I deflected the bullet with Tsubaki and ran up to cut off...the bird's head. Because it was a dick.

"I'm not interested in carnival games, Blackburn..." I said before dashing back. "I'm here for a fucking duel."

Curtis frowned before sighing and saying, "Have it your way."

He then leapt into the air off of the pool without bending his legs and descended on me while firing his guns. I deflected them while dashing to the side to slash at him with the Tsubaki. He just limboed under it and shot at me with those fucking pistols. 

"Shit!" I said as I barely leaped out of the way into the pool. I got up, drenched and slightly relieved that I left my phone at the motel, and smoothed my hair out of my eyes while Curtis shot at me. One of the bullets grazed my side causing me to fall back into the pool while adding a little color to it. Curtis just jumped on the surface of the water and shot at me while I swam-crawled through the water to dodge him. Eventually, I upward slashed at him only for him to block it with both of his pistols. I then booted him in the crotch to give me some speed to reach the edge of pool.

"Agh! You fucking stain!" shouted Curtis as he painfully took aim at me while I used to edge to stand up. He fired at me again and deflected every shot except except one that grazed my temple and sent me tumbling out of the pool.

"You pinkass punk..." growled Curtis as he walked over to the edge of the pool to aim at me. "...You're going down..."

 I smirked as I stumbled to my feet. "Speaking of pink..." I gathered energy while Curtis wasted time lining up a killing shot. "Anarchy..."

"What are you mumbling, boy?" said Curtis before he pulled the trigger.

" **...IN THE GALAXY!!!"**

**Pink lightning poured down from the ceiling and hit every area of the room. Curtis' bullet was actually fried as soon as it came out of the chamber and he was forced to jump off of the pool when a bolt hit the water and shocked him. He managed dodge every other shock somehow, but I immediately dashed at him with the Tsubaki. I slashed at him several times but he was able to parry me with those fucking pistols of his. He managed to point the gun at my head, but a final bolt struck him in the back, letting me cut off one of his arms.**

"Fuck!" he shouted as he aimed the other pistol at me and fired. I deflected each shot before I cut off that arm too. Curtis, spraying blood all over the room from his new wounds, ended up running towards the window overlooking the street below.

Big mistake.

I reared my foot up and kicked him square in the chest, sending crashing through the window and plummeting to the street below. He lied there gasping for air until a street sweeper came by and ran him over, painting the road with his filthy blood.

I walked over to the elevator and took it downstairs. As I walked out of the high rise, I held the side that was shot in pain, knowing that while this fight was done, the last battle is far from finished.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it comes, folks...


	13. Day of the Lords II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for the pre-game show!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END IS NIGH!!! Also, the story's coming to a close. Enjoy the penultimate chapter of The Christmas Bowl!

~Henry's POV~

Around noon, Travis finally arrived outside the Destroy Stadium on that bizarre motorcycle of his. Sylvia, Chiaki, and I have been waiting since eleven, and Sylvia was rather cross about that.

"Travis, where have you been? You're a hour late!" she said with her arms akimbo like a scolding mother.

"Sorry..." said Travis while stepping off his cycle. "...I forgot I had to clean Jeane's box this morning. Also, I slept through my alarm...because I didn't plug it in."

Sylvia buried her face in her hands while Chiaki took over for her. "We don't have time to fool around, Travis. The CBT is gathering energy as we speak."

"Yeah...how does that thing work anyway?" asked Travis as he walked up to us. "I mean, I should least know the mechanics of the thing I'm busting, right?"

"You're not busting it..." I corrected. "WE are. While the CBT gathers energy from the moon, Chiaki will destroy its power cores to shut it down. You will be taking care of Loch."

"Wait, the moon?" said Travis as he looked up at the sky. It was at that moment that he noticed the full moon beaming down on the stadium. It is not uncommon to see the full moon during the day, but it is odd to see during the noon, so close to Earth, and redder than the vomit of a alcoholic from Leeds. 

"We can't waste time just standing out here." said Sylvia as she removed her face from her hands. "The CBT could fire off at any minute! Now, let's head into the Garden of Madness..." she waltzed in while Travis, Chiaki and I followed her. While we walked through the entrance, I heard Chiaki whisper to Travis, "What does that mean?". Travis answered, "I don't know. I never figured it out. It might be a movie reference. Let's just keep moving."

We walked down the halls approaching the stadium, and Travis' ennui began to flare up. He began to state the obvious by saying, "So after we kill Loch and this Hijo guy, that'll be the end of the Dead Man's Hand right?"

"Not quite." said Chiaki. "There are other factions of the Dead Man's Hand. The Hearts just hold the most influence."

"Makes sense." I chimed in. "It would be rather odd for a group named after a card deck to focus on just one symbol."

"Shit..." said Travis. "Are you telling me that after this, we have do this all over again with another group of assholes?"

"Again, not quite." answered Chiaki. "Recently, we have been getting reports of the decimation of our Clubs and Spades by unknown assassins. The Diamonds, the weakest of the Dead Man's Hand, have gone M.I.A after receiving this knowledge. This is the reason why the Hearts were in such a hurry to gain greater recognition by absorbing the UAA and building the CBT: they wanted to keep the Dead Man's Hand from getting completely flushed."

"Wow..." said Travis after whistling. "That's a lot of crap to hang over your comrades heads, huh?"

"Yes, "comrades"..." said Chiaki as her face darkened. "I wasn't really close to anybody that was under me. That is, except for Charles and Jolyne. They were the only ones who treated me like family instead of a weapon."

"Oh..." said Travis while rubbing the back of his neck. "So uh, are you...extremely pissed or..."

"My feelings towards you are mixed, Mr. Touchdown." Chiaki answered to Travis' non-question. "On one hand, I feel intense resentment towards you for robbing me of the only family I have. On the other, I respect you for giving them the honor of death in combat, and for assisting me in destroying the Dead Man's Hand."

"Oh. Cool." said Travis before thankfully remaining quiet while we neared the end of the hallway. "Because they were trying to kill me."

"I know. That's why my feeling are mixed." retorted Chiaki.

This is a long bloody hallway.

Finally, we reached the inside of the Destroy Stadium. What greeted us was a giant step pyramid in the middle of the field with a man shouted instructions at the top. As I looked around with the others, I saw UAA agents running around the seats frantically tinkering with the CBT, a giant tube-shaped cannon with two spheres placed on each side of it at the back. Below the CBT inside of a glass cube in place of some seats was Hijo tapping away on a computer.

"Oy! Finally decided ta show ya face, ah?!" the man, who I can now discern is Loch, shouted at us from the pyramid. We all walked closer to it to get a better view, but we were cut off by a swarm of UAA agents.

"Nice ta see ya, Chiaki. Ya do know aye had to elect meself king in response ta ya absence, eh?" said Loch as he grinned.

"Like I need a figurehead position to establish my worth." snapped back Chiaki. "Shut down the CBT, Brady."

"Imma afraid aye cannae do that, Chi..." said Loch. I think. It is getting difficult to figure which of the sounds coming out of his mouth are words or just random grunts. "Ya see, the CBT has been rearing ta go for a couple of hours. It would be cruel ta shut it down right before it shoots..."

"Well, as much as I hate to blue ball..." mutter Sylvia while Travis made an odd mocking face behind her. "...I'm afraid that Santa Destroy is where I keep most of my clothes in storage. So its destruction will come at quite an inconvenience to me. Now, it's time to crown the new king and give the traitors their due. Henry, Chiaki, take out the CBT. Travis, _allons_!"

Travis and Sylvia nodded at each other as they proceed to kill swaths of "UAA" members. Travis cut them down with his beam katana while Sylvia simply crushed necks and smashed faces with her bare hands. I could have stared at the two of them for hours had Chiaki not dragged me over to the seats.

"Henry! Remember the mission!"

Chiaki let go of me and jumped up onto the cube Hijo was typing in. Hijo looked up at her in shock or confusion (his mask made it difficult to decipher his facial expressions) as she leaped off of that and onto the CBT. More than a few of the UAA traitors ran at her and were promptly diced by her Bloody Floss. She then wrapped the wire around one of the spheres attached to the CBT and squeezed it until the glass cracked painfully. The CBT made sputtering sounds, but there was a light coming straight out of the barrel of the cannon and I knew it was my turn. I lined up my Cross Saber and shot a ball of energy right at the other sphere, blowing it to pieces. Chiaki then leaped off the CBT and the glass cube to land back on the ground before the CBT exploded, sending a laser straight up into the sky and taking out a good deal of the seats.

Oddly enough, the glass cube that the now-shaking Hijo was encased in was unscathed. Or at least it was, until a loud bellow from an upright Hijo destroyed sent glass flying everywhere and destroyed the computer and desk he was sitting at. I used my body to shield Chiaki from the fly shards, but when we both looked up at the glowering luchadore, we realized debris was the least of our worries.

 **"YOU BASTARDS!!!"** screamed Hijo as he tore off his top, displaying his muscular form and leaving him only in his dress pants. " **DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK TO BUILD THAT?! CHIAKI, YOU DESGINED IT YOURSELF!!! HOW CAN YOU SMASH YOUR OWN BEBE'S HEAD AGAINST THE WALL LIKE THAT? WELL, THE FIESTA'S OVER PUTAS!!! PREPARE TO FEEL THE AWESOME MIGHT, VALOR, AND COJONES OF THE ONE, THE ONLY, HIJO DE TUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

**HIJO DE TURING: SIX OF HEARTS**

Suddenly, a large part of the cannon fell out of the sky and impaled Hijo through the chest and stomach. Hijo groaned in pain as he fell to his knees, but his pain was soon alleviated by his death via crumbling stands.

Chiaki and I then turned our attention back to Travis and Sylvia, who had just finished slaughtering the rest of the traitors. We walked over to them as Loch began his inevitable slow-villain-clap.

"Guid job, mates! Ya saved me trouble of weeding out the weak ones, ya did!"

Travis began to walk up to the pyramid as he brandished his Tsubaki prominently. "Yeah, and now there's only one big bushy dandelion left to cut down..."

Loch gave a grin filled with joy and malice as he responded, "That's the spirit, boyo. Let ya rage and hate fuel ye. Gnash ya teeth against your tongue to keep it from grinding down your other molars. Let the blood in ya body flow til it's coming out ya nose! This is a battle of kings mate, and this will be our finest hour! This will be our coronation! This will be our Christmas Bowl!"

Travis stood on the bottom steps of the step pyramid in confusion. Sylvia leaned over to me and asked, "Does he not know this is a baseball stadium?"

Travis shook his head and retorted to Loch, "Listen bagpipes, I don't know what you're prattling on about, but I do know that I'm not sold on the idea of there being two kings in Santa Destroy. So it looks like it's time to fold your fucking deck. After all..." Travis said as he glared at the man grinning above him. "...there can be only one."

All I know that Santa Destroy is going to be out one madman after this battle is over.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the Bloodshed begin! And don't forget to comment!


	14. We Are Finally Cowboys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Travis vs. Loch, Henry, Slyvia, and Chiaki vs. the UAA, and Jeane vs. Continuity!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it...the final battle...grab your iced tea and turn up the volume on whatever show you're watching online so that you can know when the commercials are finished! (Unless you're using Adblock.) It's going to be wild!

~Travis' POV~

**LOCH BRADY: KING OF HEARTS**

I began to run up the rest of the pyramid to separate that bastard's red beard from his body, but a couple of UAA agents suddenly began to fall out of the fucking sky. They both had two RPGs aimed right at me, but I sliced them in half before they could pull the trigger.

"Seriously?!" I said as I stopped I couple of steps away from Loch. "Are you gonna be one of _those_ bosses?!"

"A'm sairy, mate!" yelled Loch while rubbing the back of his head like an embarrassed schoolboy. "But aye can't be having ye friends interferrin' with our showdown! Ya understand, don't ye?"

I looked down the pyramid and saw a bunch of UAA members wielding AK-47s, rifles, beam katanas, glocks and more fucking RPGs as they began to surround Henry, Sylvia, and Chiaki. I sneered as I turned my head back up at Loch.

"I understand...I understand that you just paid for the stadium to painted with a coat of red!"

Knowing that Henry and the others had the UAA under control, I dashed up the rest of the steps and slashed down on Loch, who held up his right arm to defend himself.

And defend him it did, as the Tsubaki Mk. III suddenly seemed to have trouble cutting through human skin when Loch parried it with his arm.

"What the...?!" I stammered in disbelief. "How did you...?"

"Ya learn sum interesting tricks during ya travels ta the east, boyo..." answered Loch as he glowed with a strange orange energy. "Now, let's see if that shiny blade of yers has enough grit ta cut through me ki..."

Loch suddenly charged at me with both his arms crossed to attack the Tsubaki and when I blocked him, it nearly sent me edging off the pyramid. I kicked him off and went after him with slashes of my own, but he block each one of them with those fucking arms. He actually started throw punches at me, and took everything I had to block them with the blade. Eventually, I gave him one powerfully overhead strike that he had to block with both arms. We were in a blade-lock (or a...blade-arm-lock?) for a while until he slowly turned me towards the stairs of the pyramid. I thought nothing of it until I felt someone aiming at me. Loch had set me up to shot at by one of RPG UAA cronies! I knew if I broke the lock, Loch would kill me but if I stayed like this, that guy would paste me with a grenade. I tried to turn Loch myself but it didn't work. I thought I was screwed until I heard the guy scream. I gave a quick look down and saw a familiar blade piercing the guy's torso.

~Henry's POV~

"If anyone's going to put my brother six feet under..." I mumbled as I slid the traitor off my Saber. "...it's going to be me."

I looked up at Travis on the pyramid, where he kicked Loch back and continued to hack at him like he was a particularly Scottish tree. I shook my head as I turned around to continue cutting down agent after agent. That was always Travis' problem: he had enough raw power to light up Vegas for a couple of nights but no class. He doesn't possess the technique it takes to truly master the art of the sword, or even enough style to pull off a waistcoat. I silently pitied as I slashed through each former employee of the UAA before they had a chance to use their weapons or, in select cases, while they were using them.

One member actually had enough brains to get enough distance from everyone so that he can fire his AK more accurately. I sighed as I dashed my Cross Saber through a particularly large traitor sloppily wielding a beam katana against a distracted Chiaki and ran over to the area the man was aiming from. He panicked as he fired at me, but all he managed to hit was the big gentleman I had on my Saber as I shot a ball of energy at him, causing him to explode like a monster from one of Jeane's Saturday morning Sentai programs. I had a bit more difficulty getting the bigger agent off my Cross Saber however, and that cost me as a another one aimed a rifle at the back of my head. I didn't have enough time to counter even as I got the larger man off, so I thank whatever deity is currently residing on the moon when I heard another shot rang out from behind him.

~Sylvia's POV~

I blasted away the man who was aiming at my husband with a pistol that I appropriated from one of the fallen UAA members. After all, if someone is going to be killing Henry, it will be the one who told him several times not to track on the carpet when he comes in. We shared a smile as we both ran off to take more of the Judas swarm. After the Glock inevitably ran out of bullets, I was forced to look for a different weapon. Thankfully, one employee graciously offered me his beam katana when his neck was suddenly snapped from behind by an unarmed, desperate, and  _magnifique_ assailant. I picked it up and began to cut down through many unwise _connards_ who decided to get in my way.

Unfortunately, the katana soon ran out of power. I silently cursed to myself as I shook it to recharge it, but a group of former UAA members began to run at me, with the one in front wielding an AK. I then slid under the man with the AK, took his gun, drove the recharged katana into his chest, and shot down all of his allies. I decided that these two weapons would suit me just fine, and I set out to paint this stadium a lovely color of _gringalet_ red.

~Chiaki's POV~

I diced weakling after weakling with the Bloody Floss. Body parts soon began to litter the entire diamond, with arms and legs taking up the first and second base, sobbing survivors clinging to the third base, and heads taking up home. 

As the numbers of the UAA began to dwindle, the beam katana wielders began to hang by the RPG wielders for protection. Sadly for them, I know how a coward thinks. Mostly because I used to be one. As Henry and Sylvia finished off the others behind me, I huddled the remaining ones into a circle by using my Parmly Storm. I spun the Bloody Floss around me at incredible speed and in every direction it could reach. The ones unfortunate enough to be near me were sliced into human paprika. Those smart enough to join the circle hid behind the RPG wielders as they aimed their launchers at me. I couldn't help but smile as I suddenly stopped my private hurricane and gave a sweeping slice to all of the RPGs as they began to fire. The agents didn't have enough time to register shock as their weapons blew up in their faces, killing them and the insects behind them. 

With every UAA member dead, Henry, Sylvia and I silently converged and turned our attention to Travis fighting Loch on top of the pyramid.

~Jeane's POV~

"So...they know magic and they can control giant robots?" I asked Mr. Sidaks as he showed me a weird show called "Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly" on the T.V. behind the counter.

"Yeah! They're magical mecha girls!" he answered as he kept looking at the screen. I was just confused by all the bright lights, explosions and weird attack names that were simultaneously making me hungry and making me nauseous. As for the characters on the screen, they were just as confusing. Strawberry seemed kind of boring compared to her friends and only appeared to be the main character because she was written to be the main character. Blueberry seemed much more mature and likable, but she was in a lot more scenes than she needed to be and took a lot of time that could be used to flesh out Strawberry and Cranberry more. And as for Cranberry, she's cute but she doesn't appear to do anything more than help out Strawberry and Blueberry. I wish she just had more traits of her own to maker her different from the others.

And this Jishu guy, really hot but really, really flat as a character. He spends less time with Strawberry than the other girls do and suddenly they were made for each other? And Hisako would probably have a better shot with him if she didn't focus so much of her energy on messing with Strawberry!

I sighed as I leaned back into my seat as I watched the screen glow white while some other thing began to happen. I looked over at Mr. Sidaks as he stared slack-jawed at the screen, amazed even though he probably watched this already like, forty times.

At least the Glastonbury looks cool.

~Travis' POV~

I managed to get the upper hand in my battle against the Loch Ness Shithead and got him on one knee as I continued to batter him with the Tsubaki. He put off his right arm again to defend himself, but this time, with one powerful overhead strike from my blade, I managed to lop it off. Loch grunted as he grabbed at his spurting stump and his orange aura began to disappear.

"Ya...got me...mate..." said Loch between gasps as he got his other hand wet with the blood shooting out from his stump.

"Well, it's like I told you before, Loch..." I said as I poised the Tsubaki over his head. "...there can be only one..."

Loch just grinned at that as his stump began to bubble with flesh.

Suddenly, a bunch red and blue stuff shot out of his wound and wrapped itself around me. It got larger and carried me into the air while it got tighter and tighter. I could barely hear a concerned "Travis!" shouted in a French accent as it got harder to breathe and my muscles started to get crunched up against each other. I gathered the last of my breath and some of my energy to shout...

" **CHERRY!!!"**

 **Time slowed to a still and the fleshy mass that had me in its clutches suddenly stopped crushing me. With a flurry of slashes, I managed to free myself and fell out of the tumor arm and onto the pyramid steps. I ran back up and glared at Loch as he grinned at me while** time resumed its regular flow.

"What. The fuck. Was that?" I spat as I pointed my blade at him.

Loch just gave that stupid fucking grin of his as he lowered those tendrils of his back into his arm. "Like aye said, mate. Ya learn some interesting tricks traveling the east...and ya get sum interesting toys..."

Loch bent his knees as he shook and growled while his other arm bulged and grew. I looked on in shock as it suddenly burst open to reveal a giant, skinless arm that looked like it was smoking. Loch just stood back up with sweat gathered on his face and said, "Shall we continue?"

I got my shit together and took a stance with the Tsubaki. "I don't care if you decide to turn yourself into a giant, flying whatever-the-fuck next. I came here to destroy you, and that's what I'm gonna do! So hit me with all you have, and I'll cut it down and take you with it! Prepare to hail to the king!"

"Clumsy reference, Travis." Henry said from the diamond.

"Shut up!" I yelled back at him before Loch swung his giant red arm back and punched at me. I jumped atop his fist and tried to slash down on his head, only to be cut off by his fucking Testuo arm coming down on me. I jumped away from that and cut off a bit of it while falling behind Loch. He grunted as whipped his tendrils at me. I blocked them, but was knocked away by that fucking giant fist of his. I managed to get to my feet before the giant blade that he formed his tumor arm into came down on me. I dashed out of the way and ran towards him, managing to give a nasty slash on the chest. 

"Ya little...!" He shouted before he swung his giant, red fist at me. I jumped on it again before slamming the Tsubaki down into the shoulder it was  attached to. Loch groaned in pain as he attempted to get his other arm unstuck out of the surface of the pyramid and I continued to hack off this one. Finally, I chopped it off sending Loch stumbling back. I kicked it off the pyramid as Loch screamed in pain and fury. He launched his giant blade arm at me, but I gave the greatest yell I could and took it head on with my blade. I sliced slowly through, splattering myself with blood until I reached Loch's other shoulder. I cut it right off, leaving Loch on his knees. Armless and defenseless.

"What...is...this...?" said Loch between breaths as I poised the Tsubaki above his head again.

"This is the end, my Scottish friend." I answered as I brought down my blade on his neck, cutting his head clean off and causing his neck to shoot a geyser of blood into the air as it fell off the other side of the pyramid.

I picked up Loch's head with his exhausted but content looking face and walked over to the side of the pyramid where Henry, Sylvia and Chiaki were looking at me. I held the head up high and shouted, " **IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING!!!"**

They all just looked confused at each other before turning back to me and awkwardly clapping. I threw the head aside before coming down the pyramid to join them for a really, really weird group hug. When we broke away, I had final question on my mind that needed to be addressed.

"Seriously though, what the fuck is a Christmas Bowl?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading my sloppy, stupid, poorly-edited fanfic! I had fun writing this, and you had fun...at many points in your life I guess...Anyway, the epilogue will be up eventually, and any questions, complaints, or wild mass guesses can go right in the comments or can be sent to me at my tumblr profile, thedowangman!


	15. Epilogue: The New Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrap it up! Travis gets two letters and reads the hell out of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the super-crazy-sexy denouement! Thanks for reading this far!

~Travis' POV~

I woke up on my bed (I'm as shocked as you are) sometime around 11:00 am. I got up with a stretch and a yawn and sharp shooting pain traveling up my spine. I guess last week's fight took more out of me than I expected...

I heard a knock on the door almost immediately after getting out of bed. Remembering the last time I took it too easy after a final battle, I opened a drawer, grabbed the Blood Berry, and slowly crept towards the door.

"Who is it?" I growled pleasantly.

"Your mailman, Travis." said a familiar voice from behind the door.

A likely story.

I opened the door so that he could come in. He stepped in cautiously, almost like he knew what to expect from me.

"Ya know, I can just leave this in the slot by your door. You don't need to invite me..."

" **YA-HA!!!"** I screamed as I pounced out from behind the door with the Blood Berry raised over my head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Barry as he fell backwards out the door, sending his letters flying.

I guess it really was my mailman. Huh. "Sorry about that..." I mumbled while deactivating the Blood Berry.

"You goddamn bastard! And why are you naked?!" screamed Barry as he scrambled to his feet while picking up the fallen letters. 

Barry always didn't know how to take a half-joke. And he seemed to not be familiar with the "My place, my choice of wardrobe" rule that is ubiquitous in American society.

"Got anything for me Barry?" I asked politely while bending down to pick up some letters that he missed.

"Yeah. Two letters." He said snappily while snatching away the letters I picked up. Touchy.

He handed me the letters and then walked away almost as soon as I took them. I stood up and said, "Catch ya later, Barry!"

"Freak!" he shouted back. 

I shut the door and went over to my bed to open the first letter. I didn't bother reading what was on the envelope as I emptied its contents onto my covers. A few photos fell out along with a sheet of paper. I decided to look at the photos first and the images on them shook me to my very soul...

The first one was of Henry, Sylvia, Chiaki and Jeane posing outside of an amusement park. Henry was just standing there, Sylvia was smiling with her arms wrapped around Jeane and Chiaki while giving a peace sign, Jeane was just beaming, and Chiaki looked as awkward as all hell. The next photo had Chiaki and Jeane sharing a giant sundae together. The next showed Henry and Chiaki riding a flying-cow thing attached to a wire on a tower. The final one was everyone on a roller-caster, with Henry screaming, Sylvia laughing, Jeane still beaming and Chiaki...laughing just like Sylvia.

I set the photos aside with a disturbed expression on my face. They were so...glurgey. Christ, I feel like watching Apocalypse Zero just so I can keep food down again. After getting myself together, I finally decided to read the actual letter. I cringed when I noticed how long it was.

_Dear Travis,_

_How are you? Actually, don't think about that. I don't really care. You're still breathing, and that's good enough for us. Us meaning Sylvia and I by the way. Speaking of us, we had to pay the chairmen of the UAA a little visit after the stadium. After some...negotiations, I can finally assure you that the UAA will not be bothering any of us ever again. As you can see by the photos, we decided to take the girls to Destroy World to celebrate. We all had a great time...except for that roller coaster with its weird bloody drops. Anyway, i'd doubt you would care about this, but Sylvia and I had the papers finalized on Thursday. What? Are you wondering how quick we managed to get them? If I could marry a fourteen-year old in college, I can get divorced in under a week. She ended up keeping Jeane while Chiaki now lives with me. Anyway, Sylvia's back on the market and we managed to retain a bit of our friendship before we wound up killing each other. However, if you want to show the ex the old in-out, you have to spend some time Jeane. She keeps asking me about this damned "Pure White Jelly Bizarre Program" over and over again. I swear, Sidaks has made my shit-list just for introducing her to that. Maybe you could sort out her questions on that travesty. I sure as hell can't. In closing, thank you Travis. I honestly couldn't see myself surviving that mess without you helping me out, brother. I owe ya one, and I hope you noticed the card that was in this envelope._

Card? 

I looked on my bed, flipped over a photo and saw a credit card underneath it. I held it as I finished the letter.

_There is $50,000 on that card. I know that's not as much as was promised, but it should tide you over for the next couple of weeks as you indulge in all of sick, pervert, nerdy needs._

_Cheers,_

_Henry_

...

WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Henry, ol' brother of mine, I love ya! I hopped off the bed and danced a naked shake as I kissed the card. This is it. This is the ending I've been waiting for. No attacks on the toilet, no sudden familial announcements, no museum paintings, no...

...

...No Sylvia. 

I calmed down as I sat on the bed to think.  _That's right. The entire reason I got caught up in this mess was to get a shot with Sylvia. And Henry just said that the two were Splitsville now...not that it would have stopped me if they were together..._

I shook my head as I put the card on the dresser and put on some pants.  _I suppose I could take her out on a date. Yeah! Somewhere nice and expensive, then I could buy her...nah, that would be too cliche for her..._

As I thought long and hard, I saw the second letter laying on the bed unopened. "Oh yeah..." I said as I reached down to open it. This one was much thinner, and when I opened it, it just had a sheet of paper in it. I was kinda disappointed.

_Dear Master,_

_I have just taken care of some business in Japan and I am on my way back to America to wipe out a group called the Diamonds. I have heard that you have wiped out a Dead Man's Hand group yourself and I think that you would like to join me on my mission of decimation. I have already taken care of the Clubs and the Spades have been killed by another...person. Master, there is someone I wish to protect by destroying the Dead Man's Hand and you are the only one I can turn to for assistance. I'll be waiting at the airport for a ride._

_Sincerely,_

_Shinobu_

I couldn't help but smirk at the audacity of this letter.  _Really? All I've just done, she wants me to do it again? And give her a ride from the airport? What the fuck?_

I tried to mull it over, but I found myself washing by the sink, putting on deodorant and throwing on my One Eyed Willie shirt and my black jacket anyway. I refilled Jeane's bowl and rushed out of the motel to head to my Schpelttiger. I might as well get rid of the Diamonds before they mess with Henry, Sylvia and the kids. And besides, it's not like I could stay away from a battle for long anyway. 

I started up the bike as I looked at the sun.  _Just hold on, Sylvia._ I thought.  _I'll be back..._ _  
_

I rode off down the streets of Santa Destroy towards the airport at 11:15. I hoped Shinobu doesn't get too bored waiting for me...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks for reading! I'll be working on a prequel in a couple of weeks! Comment if you feel like it, or just send me weird stuff at my Tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> Again, sorry. Pretty messed up, right? Once again, if it's possible on this site, comment on this fic. (Constructively, please. Although...some vitriol would be funny...). If you can't comment on this site, send your complaints...*AHEM*...your comments to thedowangman at Tumblr. Someone will get it. I assure you.


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